


Clearly

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, It ends happily though :), Just for reference- only the very last chapter is explicit, M/M, Mutual Pining, The others are mostly rated T, dealing with addiction, mostly short chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:40:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 23,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29371725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: After Garak recovers from the incident with his implant, he decides to "come out" to Dr. Bashir, leading to him having to confront his past, his feelings for Julian, and his addiction. Meanwhile, Julian tries to figure out how to tell Garak he has feelings for him.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Jadzia Dax, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 13
Kudos: 80
Collections: Star Trek Valentine's Bang 2021





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Besides, Garak was clearly gay. I mean, everyone knew it, and we never played it. What we should've done, after "The Wire" in Season 2, the episode where Bashir helps him get over his addiction, we should've had Garak come out to Bashir as a gay Cardassian."  
> -Ira Steven Behr, "What We Left Behind"

Garak had gotten used to the sounds of the infirmary, the beeping and humming of machines, the sounds of the nurses hurrying around with trays of replicated food and hyposprays. He had gotten used to the sounds of Dr. Bashir barking orders at the nurses whenever someone came in who was in need of critical care, the urgent buzz of voices as patients were moved onto their beds, as dermal regenerators healed wounds. Garak had gotten used to the sounds.

But some things Garak just couldn't get used to. Namely, the temperature and the lights. When he had told Dr. Bashir that he hated the coldness of Deep Space Nine, hated the brightness of the lights, he wasn't exaggerating. Maybe it was because of the aftereffects of his implant, but Garak's head ached seemingly constantly from the brightness of the lights. Out of the two things, lights and temperature, the lights were easier to deal with. He had just complained enough to the nurses that when they got sick enough of hearing his voice, they shut off the lights in his room.

The lights could be shut off, but his room wasn't independently temperature-controlled, so he couldn't change how cold the temperature was. All he could do was beg for blankets. He was in a veritable cocoon of blankets on the bed, rolled up in a ball, head aching, still shivering.

Just then, the door opened. To Garak's surprise, it was Dr. Bashir.

"Doctor!" said Garak. "I thought you'd be off work by now."

"I am," Dr. Bashir said. "I just thought I'd come visit you."

"That's very thoughtful of you," Garak said, "but I've managed without company for quite some time. I can manage still."

"Computer, lights," Dr. Bashir said.

At the same time, Garak said quickly, "I'd really prefer if you didn't."

But the computer turned on the lights. They were blinding in Garak's face, and he shut his eyes instinctively, his head filling with pain.

"Oh, sorry," Dr. Bashir said. "I forgot you don't like the lights. Computer, turn off the lights."

Garak only opened his eyes again once he could see through his eyelids that the blinding, harsh lights were off. "Thank you, doctor. I feel better already." He was only half-sarcastic.

"How are you doing?" Dr. Bashir asked. "You look cold." He sat down in a chair by the head of Garak's bed.

"I admit, I've certainly felt warmer," Garak said. "But the blankets are helping."

"I heard you have a bit of a headache," said Dr. Bashir.

"It's the lights," Garak said. "Whenever they turn on... they seem to trigger it."

"Well, that might make adjusting back to normal life difficult," Dr. Bashir said. "We'll have to get you used to being in the light again. But that's a problem for another day. You still have a few of them here. Days, I mean. In the infirmary."

"Please, doctor, I feel as if I've been here for years," Garak said, trying his best not to sound like he was whining.

"It'll be two more days at the most," Dr. Bashir promised. "After that, you'll be free to return to your quarters. You have to remember, Garak, you've been through a lot in these past few days. You've endured so much. You nearly died, after all."

"It wouldn't be the first time," Garak said. "And this time, I had you to help me."

"You should be glad for that," Dr. Bashir said, his face somber. "I'm serious, Garak. It was close."

"I know," Garak said. "I try not to think about that."

"Is that how you manage through all of this?" Dr. Bashir asked. "Just try not to think about it?"

"It usually works," Garak said. He closed his eyes.

"I can go if you want to sleep," Dr. Bashir offered.

"No, I've been sleeping all day," Garak said. "You can stay if you want to."

They didn't talk for a few minutes. Then Dr. Bashir said, "So... 'usually'?"

"Usually?" Garak repeated. He opened his eyes.

"You said just trying not to think about things 'usually' works," Dr. Bashir said. "That means there are things you can't ignore so easily."

"There are some things, yes," Garak said. "Things you can't possibly imagine."

"I can try," said Dr. Bashir. "I know more about you than you realize."

"Oh, is that so?" Garak said, a half-smile crossing his face.

"I'm sure you're wondering how I got the information to save your life," said Dr. Bashir with the air of a man who was about to reveal something big.

Garak felt in the mood to ruin that feeling for the doctor. "I already know," he said. "You met with my mentor, Enabran Tain."

"Yes, that's it!" Dr. Bashir said. "How did you know?"

Garak smiled. "It was the only option." He readjusted himself in bed. "I take it he told you about me."

"You have a nice first name," said Dr. Bashir. Garak sighed. "Oh, the horror! Your friend knows your first name! How terrible!" said the doctor jokingly.

"I like to keep certain things private," said Garak.

"So, what things do you have a hard time ignoring?" asked Julian.

Garak was about to say something to the effect of, "You really won't quit, will you?" when he felt a wave of pain come over him.

He squeezed his eyes shut and must have grimaced or made some noise, because he heard Dr. Bashir say, "Garak? Are you all right?"

"My head... hurts," Garak said. He shook his head. "All of a sudden, I felt a lot of pain."

"I'll go get a hypo with something that'll help you," Dr. Bashir said. "Be right back." He opened the door and left, the light momentarily flooding in and making Garak squint.

Dr. Bashir was back in a minute or so with a hypospray in his hand. "Still feeling pain?" he asked.

"Yes," Garak said. "What's in that?"

"Nothing that will make you feel out of sorts, I promise," Dr. Bashir said. "Now, you'll have to extract yourself from your nest of blankets in order for me to find your neck." He was smiling.

Garak un-buried himself from the pile of blankets, exposing his neck. Dr. Bashir pressed the hypo to his neck. It made a small hissing sound as whatever was in it entered his bloodstream. He felt better instantly, as well as a bit dizzy. The dizziness didn't last, however.

"Better?" asked Dr. Bashir.

"Much better," Garak said. "Why have you never given that to me before when I've been in pain? I feel remarkable."

"It's not something you should take more than once in a while," Dr. Bashir said. "Has the dizziness passed by now?" Garak nodded. "Good." Garak readjusted himself so he was under his blankets again. "Did I... did I upset you, Garak?" Dr. Bashir asked.

"No. Why?" Garak asked.

"Because I asked you about something and a moment later, you felt pain," the doctor said.

"Oh," said Garak. "No, it's not that."

He thought about it. Maybe it was the medicine that Dr. Bashir gave him, or maybe it was the headache, but Garak was feeling a bit loose-lipped today. Or maybe it was because Dr. Bashir had been his only friend in this exile, had been there for him, had saved his life, and was generally his only reason to wake up in the morning. Whatever it was, Garak felt compelled to tell the truth.

"Actually," Garak said, "there was something I've been meaning to tell you for a while now."

"I'm listening," said Dr. Bashir.

"It's not like the other things I told you," Garak said. "It's not a story. And it's not about a mistake I've made. At least, I don't think it is." He smiled. "Well, maybe it is a bit of a story. It's a story about a young man who knew he was different from the people around him somehow, who couldn't fully realize what made him different until it was too late. He looked out at the world and saw that he needed to hide himself from others, because that was the only way he could survive." Garak paused.

"Why did he need to hide himself?" asked Dr. Bashir, his voice patient.

"You can't possibly understand how things are on Cardassia," Garak said. "The things that young man saw, the things he experienced... he knew he didn't belong in the way the others did. He knew that there was something wrong with him, like a sickness only more personal. He got good at pretending. Pretending became his only way to cope with the world. Pretending he was... normal."

"What happened to the young man?" asked Dr. Bashir.

"He grew older," said Garak. "He made certain choices in his life, some of them arguably more better classified as 'mistakes'. And eventually he ended up in a place where everything hurt, except for one thing. He was no longer on his home world. He could stop pretending he was normal. It took him a while to accept it, and to realize what the thing was that made him different, but now he knows. So that's why he's talking to you right now. To tell you something he's wanted to tell you ever since you met him."

"I'm listening," said Dr. Bashir again softly.

Garak hesitated. Then he said, "I... I'm... I'm attracted to men."

Things were silent for a while. Then Dr. Bashir said, "And you've wanted to tell me for a while now."

"Yes," Garak said. "I know how absurd it sounds, coming from me, but I wanted to be honest with you about this." He paused. "Are you upset at me? It wasn't my intention to upset you."

"You didn't upset me, Garak," said Dr. Bashir. "I have to say, if you don't mind... I sort of guessed at this even before you told me."

"Oh," said Garak. "I suppose that's my fault for being too open with you."

"There's nothing wrong with being open," said Dr. Bashir.

"Perhaps," said Garak. "Perhaps not." He didn't feel like talking anymore. He rolled over in his bed so he wasn't facing Dr. Bashir. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to rest."

"Of course," said Dr. Bashir. "Let the nurse on duty know if you need anything. The call light is right there."

"Thank you, doctor," said Garak from under his nest of blankets. "You've been most kind."

Garak could feel the light flooding in as Dr. Bashir left, and then it was gone as the door shut. He sighed. He already wished he hadn't told Dr. Bashir he liked men. Garak wondered if he was coming off too predatory.

But another part of him... that part of him hoped. He remembered the feeling of Dr. Bashir taking his hand, saying he forgave him. It had given him a rush almost identical to that of the implant. Garak couldn't help but want to touch Dr. Bashir's hand again. It felt so good in his, so right.

_It's better not to think about these things,_ Garak told himself. _Just sleep. Dream you're back on Cardassia, or that your implant is on. Dream as if you never told Dr. Bashir such an important secret about yourself. A secret that could destroy you._

Art by [GalacticTurnip](https://galacticturnip-art.tumblr.com/)

Beta'ed by [spocksgotemotions](https://spocksgotemotions.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has a conversation with Jadzia about Garak.

"I want to establish some boundaries," Jadzia Dax told Julian.

"Of course," said Julian, although he didn't know exactly what she meant.

"First of all," said Jadzia, "this isn't a date. And I don't want you going around telling everyone that it was."

"I would never!" Julian said.

"Really?" Jadzia countered.

"Maybe I have been known to do things like that in the past, but this isn't like that," said Julian. "I know this isn't a date. I just wanted to have dinner with you in a more private setting. And I promise I won't tell anyone we went on a date. All right?"

"All right," said Jadzia. "That's a promise, Julian."

"I promise," said Julian.

"Good," said Jadzia. "In that case, feel free to use the replicator."

Julian replicated himself dinner and sat down at Jadzia's table across from her. He began to dig into his food.

"How are your plants doing?" he asked her.

"They're fine," she said. "I think you might have actually helped them. How's the infirmary? I saw Garak on the promenade today; I take it you discharged him."

"He sort of discharged himself," Julian said. "Typical Garak." He laughed. "Actually, Garak is kind of the reason I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh?" Jadzia said.

Julian swallowed a mouthful of food. "I won't go into details," he said, "but we've had a lot of... well, honest conversation in the past week or so. He's told me things I never expected he'd reveal. Some of the things surprised me, but others... didn't. Let's just say," Julian said, "that Garak told me something very personal. And I don't know what to do."

"How did you react?" asked Jadzia. "When he told you, I mean?"

"The thing is, I hardly reacted," Julian said. "I just said some empty words, and then he told me to leave. I didn't know what to do. I wish I had said something that would help him. But I didn't, and now I have to deal with that."

"So, how do you feel about it?" Jadzia asked.

"I feel all right about it," Julian said. "But I can't say more without having to explain what he told me."

"You two have lunch pretty often," Jadzia said as she ate. "You could talk to him about it over lunch."

Julian shook his head. "It's too personal to talk about at the replimat."

"Then maybe you should go to his quarters," said Jadzia. "You know the way by now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Julian asked.

"Nothing," Jadzia said innocently. "Just that you've been there enough to know the way."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Garak tries to move on from the business with his implant, he finds himself in terrible pain.

Garak's shop was in shambles. He had been in the middle of a cleaning spree when his implant incapacitated him, so there was merchandise all over, unorganized and -oh dear- wrinkled. He decided to close his shop for his first full day out of the infirmary, and spend the time doing repairs and cleaning until the place was spotless.

It was somewhere between in shambles and spotless when Garak suddenly felt an excruciating pain tear through his head. He doubled over, clutching his head, letting out an involuntary hiss of pain. It was so bad he could barely see. He staggered over to a chair and sat down, head throbbing with pain. He sat there until the pain lessened enough that he thought he could function.

_ I've got to go to the infirmary, _ Garak thought.  _ Dr. Bashir told me to let him know immediately if I felt any pain. _ As much as he hated going to the infirmary, especially having been there for days as an inpatient, he knew that not telling the doctor about his pain would be worse than the alternative.

So Garak shut down his shop, locking the door, the pain still thrumming at the back of his head. He hurried down the promenade toward the infirmary.

The nurse he first ran into recognized him. "Hello, Mr. Garak," she said. "What can I do for you?"

"I need to speak with Dr. Bashir," said Garak. "If he's with another patient I can wait."

"Oh, no, he's not busy," said the nurse. "You know the way to his office, right?" Garak nodded. "Go on in."

"Thank you," Garak said. He meandered through the infirmary to Dr. Bashir's office and pressed the button on the door.

"Come in," called Dr. Bashir's voice. Garak entered. "Garak!" Dr. Bashir said, surprised. He was at his desk peering over a data pad. He set down the data pad as Garak walked in. "I didn't think you would want to set foot in the infirmary again."

"I really rather wouldn't," Garak said, "but you did tell me to inform you if I felt any pain."

"You shouldn't be feeling any pain," said Dr. Bashir.

"Nonetheless, I most certainly am," Garak said. "It's not quite as troublesome now, but a few minutes ago, I nearly passed out from it."

"Hmm," said Dr. Bashir. "Come with me."

To his credit, Dr. Bashir tried every possible way he knew to find the source of Garak's pain. He hooked up Garak to a good deal of machines and ran several scans on him and his brain, but ultimately, he came up empty.

"I can't find a single source for your pain," he said. "I'm going to rule it out as a sort of phantom pain from your implant."

"I'm sure you could give me that drug you gave me the other day," Garak said. "It seemed to make my pain go away."

"It's not as simple as that," Dr. Bashir said. "That drug isn't meant for continual use. And we don't want to over-medicate you, especially since you were on so many medications in the past few weeks. I'm afraid I don't have a good solution for you."

"Ah," said Garak. "I see." He stood from the chair he had been lying down on during the tests. "Thank you, doctor. I have my full confidence in you that you tried your best."

"Before you leave, Garak," said Dr. Bashir, "there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"And what would that be?" asked Garak.

"You missed our lunch today," said Dr. Bashir. "We were supposed to meet in the replimat at 1200 hours, but you never showed up."

"Oh, dear," said Garak. "I must have been busy cleaning my shop."

In truth, he hadn't forgotten that they were supposed to meet for lunch. He had simply not felt like eating with Dr. Bashir. He felt embarrassed that he had told such personal things to him, even if some of them weren't exactly true. He was never good with dealing with the truth.

If one thing was true... Garak began to think. No, don't think about it.

"All right," said Dr. Bashir. "But... I don't want you to avoid me, Garak."

"I understand," Garak said. "I will endeavor not to do so."

"I mean it," Dr. Bashir said. "So... lunch?"

"Perhaps in a few days," said Garak. "I'm having quite a time cleaning my shop." He went to leave and turned back. "I'll let you know." Then he left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak takes matters into his own hands.

Garak wished Dr. Bashir had been able to prescribe him something for his pain, even if it was "phantom pain". He had so hoped that there was a way to get the pain to go away. He tried regular painkillers, the standard stuff doctors would give you for minor headaches, but they didn't do the trick. So Garak lay in bed, turned the lights off in a vain hope that it would help. It didn't.

Most of the time, he could manage through the pain. But there were spikes, like the one he had had in his tailor shop, that were far worse. Blinding, head-splitting pain that made him want to be sick or pass out, one of the two or maybe both. During those moments, all he could do was wait for the pain to pass, hoping that it would pass and that he wasn't going to be stuck like this.

Garak was in his quarters working on a sewing project (a new tunic for himself, he figured he could use a new one as a reward for managing to not die) when he was thrown into one of those episodes of agony. The pain jolted through him, and he cried out. His head throbbed as he waited there, with labored breaths, waiting for the pain to disappear.

When it finally disappeared, Garak set aside his sewing project and ran his fingers through his hair, which was a bit in disarray. He got up from his couch and walked to his replicator. He pulled open a panel that was two panels to the right of the replicator. He was prompted that he had ten seconds to enter a passcode to access whatever was behind it. He easily remembered and entered the passcode. The panel opened, revealing a collection of hyposprays and what went in them, in this case, heavy-duty painkillers.

_ Dr. Bashir has given me no choice but to take matters into my own hands, _ Garak couldn't help but think.

Garak loaded a hypo with a decent dosage of the painkiller. He paused for a moment, considered what he was about to do... and he found that he didn't care about the consequences. He pressed the hypospray to his neck and released the painkiller into his system.

Garak felt better instantly. He felt his lips curve into a smile even as he lowered the hypo from his neck.  _ There, that's it, _ Garak thought. I _ may not have my implant anymore, but painkillers can do the trick.  _ He let out a sigh, but it was a happy sigh. He decided that he would go to sleep early. He was feeling very relaxed. Garak stumbled to bed, still dressed in his clothes for the day, and got under his covers.

There was only one thing that could make him feel better. "Computer, increase temperature by three degrees," Garak said.

With his quarters nice and warm and the drug pumping through his bloodstream, for the first time in ages, Garak fell asleep happy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Dr. Bashir have lunch.

Several days later, Garak got up the courage to go to lunch with Dr. Bashir. When Garak came to the infirmary to invite him, Dr. Bashir said that he had finished reading Meditations on a Crimson Shadow. Naturally, Garak was excited. He had also brought a new book, one he had first read many years ago but was recently reminded of. He had the data rod of it in his pocket as he came to the replimat.

Dr. Bashir was waiting at their usual table with his lunch, sipping his tea. Garak walked to the replicator line, waited patiently for his turn, and ordered a plate of unpleasant-looking replicated zabu stew. Carrying his rokassa juice and his tray of stew, Garak walked over to him and Dr. Bashir's table.

"Hello, doctor," he said.

Dr. Bashir looked up. "Hello, Garak," he said with a smile. "Please, join me."

"I hope I haven't been keeping you waiting," Garak said.

"Oh, no, you haven't," Dr. Bashir said. "I just ended a surgery early and got to my lunch break a few minutes sooner than usual. How have you been? Any headaches?"

"No," Garak said. He didn't give headaches a chance to form. He had begun pumping himself full of painkillers on the daily, to the point where he had had to replicate new quantities. "The pain didn't last."

"That's good to hear," Dr. Bashir said. "But I do want you to come into the infirmary in a few days for a check-up, just to be safe."

"I will. Now, onto more important business," Garak said. "How did you find Meditations on a Crimson Shadow?"

"I thought the title was kind of pretentious," said Dr. Bashir. "The premise was interesting, until I remembered that I could predict the outcome from the very first page- of course, it's Cardassia that-"

"You thought the title was pretentious?" Garak said, interrupting him. "My dear doctor! Meditations on a Crimson Shadow is easily the least pretentious title of any Cardassian novel from that era! You should hear the ones from the classical era! Or the pre-contact era! I can't believe it. It's as if I've entrusted a piece of my soul to you in this book, and you've gone and... and thrown it out an airlock."

"I didn't know you felt so personally about the book," Dr. Bashir said.

"It's one of my personal favorites," said Garak. "But no matter. I have another book for you. It's called Glass Gateways. There's a more cynical approach to the universe with this one."

"Let me guess, this time Cardassia loses the war," said Dr. Bashir.

"Now, now, doctor, no need to be bitter," said Garak. "There is no war in this book. Or, perhaps there is. A kind of war of the mind. It's about a Cardassian man who is in the midst of a horrible affliction... but I won't spoil it for you."

Dr. Bashir took the data rod. "I'll read it as soon as possible," he said. "Especially considering it's another piece of your soul."

"No need to use my over-dramatic words against me," Garak said. "I think you'll find the reading interesting. At least, I hope so. If you didn't like Meditations on a Crimson Shadow, I hate to think what you'll think of this."

They ate their lunches together, talking about Garak's efforts to clean up his shop, and they were about finished with their lunches when Dr. Bashir said, "You know, Garak, can I tell you something?"

Garak's stomach clenched. "You may," he said, dreading what this something would be.

"You seem to be doing a whole lot better," Dr. Bashir said. "You seem more lively than when I last saw you. I wanted to say that I'm... I'm proud of you for getting back on your feet so quickly."

Garak wished he could tell Dr. Bashir that appearances were deceiving, especially his. He wished he could tell the doctor that he was far from 'back on his feet'.

Instead he said aloud, "Yes, I do feel a lot better. I suppose my body was tired of being in the infirmary, and now I've returned to my duties with renewed vigor."

"Well, whatever it is, you seem to be doing well," Dr. Bashir said.

_ Thank you, it's the painkillers _ , Garak thought.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has a doctor's appointment, and Dr. Bashir has an offer.

Two days later, Garak returned to the infirmary for the check-up Dr. Bashir had made him schedule. He arrived promptly on time at Dr. Bashir's office, ringing the button on the door at exactly 1400 hours.

"Come in," Dr. Bashir called. Garak entered his office. "Garak, right on time," Dr. Bashir said. "Any pain at all?"

"None at all," Garak said.

"That's good to hear," said Dr. Bashir. "I'm going to do some scans of you, if that's all right. I won't take any tissue samples or draw any blood, don't worry. Just the same scans I did on you last time, to see if there're any difference."

Dr. Bashir performed the same scans on Garak, who patiently lay on the bed, hoping that none of the scans would possibly be able to detect the amount of medication in his system.

"It seems as if you're physically a good example of a Cardassian your age," said Dr. Bashir.

"Physically?" Garak repeated.

"I can't read minds, especially yours," Dr. Bashir said. Garak got up and was about to leave when Dr. Bashir said, "Oh, Garak?"

Garak turned back. "Yes, doctor?" he said.

"I was wondering if you’d like to meet with me sometime later," Dr. Bashir said.

"It's a little late for lunch, I'm afraid, but we could always have dinner in the replimat," Garak suggested.

"No, I meant... I'd like to meet with you in a more... private setting," said Dr. Bashir. "Maybe my quarters... or yours."

Garak froze. Dr. Bashir hadn't been in his quarters since... Garak remembered asking him for forgiveness. He remembered the feeling of Dr. Bashir's hand clasping his. He could feel his cheeks get hot, and hoped he hadn't colored too noticeably. "I'd like that," he said. Am I being too direct? he wondered. Am I intimidating him? "My quarters, perhaps. At 2000 hours?"

"That works for me," Dr. Bashir said. "I... remember the way." For a moment, they were both quiet, thinking about the last time they were both in Garak's quarters. Garak felt horribly embarrassed at how sentimental he had been.

"I'll see you, then," said Garak. He hurried out of the infirmary.

_ Dr. Bashir wants to meet with you in a private setting, _ his brain was singing.  _ Dr. Bashir wants to come to your quarters, even after you tackled him and screamed at him and... even after you told him you like men. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Bashir has a confession for Garak.

Garak closed his shop a bit early that day to come home to his quarters and do some cleaning. Things were in a bit of a state of disarray, and Garak was still finding bits of broken glass on the floor. He swept and dusted and arranged, and rearranged until the room was spotless and perfectly organized. Now all there was left to do was to wait for Dr. Bashir.

And to administer another dose of the painkiller. Garak had gotten used to the hypo in his hand, the feeling as it pressed against his neck, and the familiar hiss on his skin. He had certainly gotten used to the pleasant feeling that went through his body as the painkiller took effect. He loved the way it spread through him. The feeling was rivalled only by the feeling of turning his implant on. The good old days.

Garak put the hypo away and made sure everything was organized and that the false panel where he kept his stash of painkillers wasn't so visible. Minutes later, someone rang the bell on the door.

"Come in!" Garak called.

Dr. Bashir entered, wearing casual clothes. Garak had to admit that sometimes Dr. Bashir's fashion sense was lacking (case in point, the outfit he had worn for the last Gratitude Festival, oh dear, that was a bad one) but tonight, he looked lovely. Garak wanted to say so, but he didn't want to come off too obvious. But he wanted to make sure Dr. Bashir knew he looked nice, so he gave him an up-and-down look and an approving nod.  _ There, that wasn't so obvious, was that? _ he thought.

"How was your day?" Dr. Bashir asked. Was it Garak's imagination, or had his face colored a bit after Garak looked him up and down? _ Elim, you're being an idiot,  _ he told himself.

"Not bad," Garak said. "I did a fitting of a Bajoran woman's wedding dress, and she found it to be quite suitable. I think I did a rather good job."

"I'm sure you did," Dr. Bashir said. "So... er. Memories." He indicated Garak's quarters in entirety.

Garak let out a forced chuckle. "Ah. Yes, memories indeed," he said. He cleared his throat. "My replicator is yours to use, doctor."

Julian replicated himself a dish with fake-looking meat ( _ Elim, it's all fake meat, it's replicated,  _ he had to remind himself) and Garak replicated himself Cardassian dumplings. They sat down at Garak's dining table (a small table, but a suitable one) and began to eat.

"So," Dr. Bashir said, "your quarters are looking nice."

"I did a bit of cleaning," Garak said, not wanting to admit that it had taken hours.

"Is it... hard for you to be here?" Dr. Bashir asked.

"On Deep Space Nine?" Garak asked a bit wryly.

"No- in your quarters," Dr. Bashir said.

"On the contrary, doctor, I'm quite relieved to be in my quarters after spending so long in the infirmary," Garak said.

"But you spent some time here, too," Dr. Bashir said.

_ Damn. He won't let it rest,  _ Garak thought. "I suppose I did," he said. "But I don't want to dwell on the past. You've given me a new life. I should be grateful, and focus on that."

"When you put it that way, you make me sound like some kind of miracle-worker," said Dr. Bashir. "I wouldn't have been able to save your life without the help of-"

"Yes, well, I'd rather not talk about that person right now," Garak interrupted him. He swore if he heard the name 'Enabran Tain' it would put him off his dinner.

"Okay," said Dr. Bashir. "Okay." He jerked a thumb at the mess of fabric laying on Garak's sofa. "What are you working on?"

So he and Garak talked about Garak's new tunic for a while, Garak ranting on and on about the quality of the fabric partially because he was proud he could afford it but also because he felt like he needed to fill up the silence.

Eventually, they were done eating, and Garak had talked about every detail of his sewing project that he could think of. They were left in crushing silence.

"You know, Garak, there has been something I've been thinking about," Dr. Bashir said. "I've been wondering... how much do you remember? From everything that happened, I mean. From when you were in the infirmary, and going through withdrawal here in your quarters."

Garak hesitated. "I can't be sure I remember it all," he said. "After all, I was dealing with a lot."

"Yes," said Dr. Bashir, "you certainly were. I was wondering... you told me something when you were in the infirmary. I haven't been able to get it out of my head."

Garak was pretty sure he knew what Dr. Bashir was going to say. "Oh?" he said. "What would that be? I'm not sure I remember telling you anything."

"You really don't remember?" Dr. Bashir asked. Garak shook his head. "Oh. Well. You told me that... well, you told me that you're... attracted to men. Do you remember telling me that?"

"I think I'd remember telling you that," said Garak.

Dr. Bashir paused. "And... is it true? Or is it just another lie?"

Garak considered lying. But lies were less fun when the truth was already evident. "Yes," he said. "It's true."

"Okay," said Dr. Bashir. "Do you wish you hadn't told me?"

Garak thought about it. But there really was nothing to think about. He already knew the answer, which happened to also be the truth. "No," he said. "Even though I don't remember it... I don't wish I hadn't told you."

"That's good," said Dr. Bashir. "Because, well... now that you've told me that about yourself, I feel like I have something to tell you to."

"My dear doctor," Garak said, "you can tell me anything."

Dr. Bashir looked down at his hands in his lap for a moment, and then his gaze rejoined Garak's. "I want to tell you that... that I like men, too."

Garak hadn't been expecting that. He had been hoping it, but not really expecting it. In fact, one could say that this was the desired reaction he wanted when he told Dr. Bashir that he liked men.

But he couldn't think of a good response. He had never really rehearsed for this scenario, despite hoping for it to happen. "That's... I'm honored that you feel you trust me enough to tell me something so personal," Garak said.  _ There, that wasn't so bad. _

"It's not as personal for me as you telling me about you," Dr. Bashir said. "On Earth, such things are treated as normal. I've read a bit about Cardassia, and I know it's not exactly that way on your home world."

Garak chuckled. "No," he said, "it's not."

"When you told me, you made it sound as if you had to hide the way you were," said Dr. Bashir. "But you don't remember telling me that, so..."

"It's true," Garak said. "People like me are not treated well on Cardassia. We're treated as dangers to orderly Cardassian society, as predators, as abnormal. I remember feeling as if I could tell no one my secret, not even my own parents. In a way, especially not them... but that's another story for another time."

"I understand if you're uncomfortable talking about it," Dr. Bashir said.

Just then, someone's voice came through on his com badge. "Dr. Bashir, we need you in the infirmary immediately."

"Damn," Dr. Bashir muttered. He stood. "Well, duty calls, unfortunately. I'm sorry our discussion got cut off."

Garak walked him to the door. "It was a pleasure talking to you, doctor," he said. "I hope we can do this again." Am I being too obvious? Garak wondered. The rebellious part of him didn't care.

"There's one more thing," said Dr. Bashir.

"And what would that be?" Garak asked, pausing at the door.

"I know your first name now," said Dr. Bashir, "and while I won't go around calling you 'Elim', I would really prefer if you called me 'Julian' instead of 'doctor'. Besides, I suspect you knew my first name before we even met."

"I did indeed," Garak said. "Now, you should get to the infirmary. Duty calls, after all... Julian."

Julian smiled. "I'll see you later," he said. "It was good to talk with you." He looked as if he were about to say something else, but then he just turned and left.

No painkillers could numb what he was feeling right now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, and Garak falls deeper and deeper.

Time passed. Garak and Julian ate together in his quarters a few more times. Once, they went to Julian's quarters, but Garak had felt too out of place. Julian had been accommodating. Garak knew trusting others was foolish, but he felt he could put his trust in Julian. His father would be so disappointed in him. But in a way, that was part of the thrill.

His father would be disappointed in him for other reasons, too. Namely, the painkillers. A good Cardassian doesn't depend on anyone or anything, substances included. That was what his father would tell him.  _ But Father, you aren't here,  _ Garak thought.  _ And you can't tell me what to do. _

He had started to medicate himself in quicker intervals. The high wore off sooner and sooner. When he could go no shorter interval (there were only so many times he could leave his shop in one day), Garak began to up the dosage he had been administering to himself. That did the trick. More cc's, more cc's, and even more, until not only was he not feeling the pain of his headaches, but he was feeling so numb he could probably fall off the railing on the promenade and not feel a thing.

Garak knew this had become something bigger. It wasn't about warding off pain anymore, it was about creating a high. He had had his implant removed, only to trade that addiction for another. He knew he should feel guilty. He knew he should want to be a good Cardassian, that he should be worrying about what Julian would say if he knew.

So why did it feel so good?

Garak administered another dose of the painkiller. It was not his first dose that day. He felt himself become less tense, felt his posture relax, felt happy chemicals flood his brain. Suddenly, that panicked feeling that his last high had faded was gone. He had found his place in the galaxy again.

_ I'm not going to let anyone take this away from me _ , Garak thought. _ Anyone. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian have a brief literary discussion.

Garak and Julian met sometime later for lunch in the replimat. Garak was early, this time, and saved a spot at he and Julian's table. He picked at his food while he waited for Julian.

"Garak!" came a familiar voice. Garak looked up, his day already better. It was Julian, holding a cup of tea and a bowl of soup. He slopped some over the edge of the bowl as he sat it down on the table, and Garak supplied him with an extra napkin (Julian was known to be messy sometimes). "Thanks. I finished Glass Gateways, by the way."

"Oh, really!" said Garak. For a reason he didn't know (or maybe he did know, but did not want to acknowledge), he felt nervous. "So, what did you think?"

"It was different from the other Cardassian novels you've recommended to me," Julian said.

"It's not a very popular novel," said Garak. "It deals with elements of Cardassian society we're not so keen to talk about."

"The main character is addicted to Cardassian alcohol," said Julian. "I can understand why your people don't want to talk about it."

"What did you think?" Garak repeated.

"I thought it was very interesting," said Julian. "I didn't know that if you drink enough kanar, you'll open a wormhole."

Garak waved his hand. "Purely artistic license," he said. "The wormhole is a metaphor for his despair, which encompasses him completely."

"It's a pretty dark subject," Julian said. He held up the data rod with the novel on it. "Here's your data rod back."

"You can keep it," Garak said. "I already have a copy."

_ Ask me, _ he wanted to scream.  _ Ask me if I'm alright. Say, “You recommended me a novel about addiction. Are you doing okay? Recovering from your implant nicely? Is there anything you need to tell me?” Ask me! _

But Julian didn't say any of those things. He didn’t ask. "All right," he said, pocketing the data rod. "How's your tunic coming along?"

So Garak told him about how his sewing project was going (he had been taking his time with this one, as a testament to its quality), and inside, he was just thinking,  _ I could ask him for help. I could say, Julian, I need help. And he'd give me help. I know he would. But I can't say it. I can't bear to form the three words "I need help". And maybe I don't deserve it. _


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Jadzia talk about love.

"Dax!" said Julian. "Just the person I've been wanting to see."

"And why do you want to see me?" asked Jadzia Dax. Julian had caught her as she walked out of ops. "Did you come all the way to ops to come say hello?"

"Sort of," Julian said. "I mean, I already had an errand to run to ops. I could've had someone else do it, but I wanted to say hello to you. I have something I want to talk about with you. If you don't mind."

"What is it?" Jadzia asked. The two of them began their journey out of ops. "And where are you going?"

"I figured we could get a drink at the replimat," Julian said, hoping he wasn't sounding like he was hitting on Dax. "Just to talk things over. It's nothing 'like that', I mean, I just... wanted to talk with you about something. You seemed like the best person to talk to."

"Sounds good to me," Jadzia said. "I could use a raktajino. Promenade," she said to the computer in the turbolift. The turbolift began to move. "What is it you want to talk to me about?"

"If it's alright with you, I'd like to save it for the replimat," Julian said. He fidgeted.

"Sure," said Jadzia.

They arrived at the replimat and waited in line. Julian ordered a Tarkalean tea (even the fact that Enabran Tain knew his drink of choice didn't deter him from it) and Jadzia got a raktajino. They found a table for two and sat down.

"So," said Jadzia. "What is it?"

"I was wondering..." Julian didn't know where to start. He took a sip of tea. "I'm in a bit of a bind and I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to explain it very well. I'm... well, I sort of... okay, I've got it. Pretend... pretend you like someone and you don't know how to tell them."

"This person isn't me, is it?" Jadzia asked.

"No!" Julian said. "I've gotten over that awkward crush. Believe me. It's not about you. Just pretend for me. Pretend you like someone and don't know how to tell them."

"Hm," said Jadzia. "Well, I would just go ahead and tell them."

"This person doesn't like when things are told to them straight-up," Julian said. "They would appreciate... subtlety."

"All right," Jadzia said. "If you don't want to say it directly, show them in the way you act toward them. In small ways, if the larger displays of affection make you or this mysterious person uncomfortable. Show them you like to be in their company. Maybe touch their shoulder or their arm. And remember to smile."

"Okay, smile," Julian noted. "What if they don't seem to be receptive to it?"

"In some cases, that means that they don't share your affection," said Jadzia. "But for some people, and in some cultures, that's not the case. Depending on the person, I would say either exercise caution or keep going for it."

"Noted," Julian said. He had read that Cardassians used argument in place of flirting, and that sometimes reciprocating someone's desires could be read differently. He wasn't sure he felt like getting into an argument with Garak (he'd been through so much lately, after all; another argument wouldn't do him much good). But he decided he would read up more on Cardassian courtship customs.

"Julian?" Jadzia said.

Julian realized he had been spacing off. "Oh, sorry," he said. "Just... thinking. Thanks for your advice."

They finished their drinks and talked about the latest fiasco taking place on Deep Space Nine, and then went their separate ways.

_ The small things, _ Julian thought as he went back to his quarters.  _ Smile. Touch his arm. Show him you like being around him. I can do that. _


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has an interesting proposal for Garak.

Garak had just finished doing a fitting for a new customer when he saw a familiar face at the doorway of his shop. It was Julian, his hands clasped behind his back, a large smile on his face.

"Doctor!" Garak said. "It's a pleasure to see you. You look quite happy."

"Remember, I told you to call me Julian," said Julian.

"Of course. Julian." Garak gave a small smile. "What brings you to my humble shop?"

"I'm not here on business, although I do need to take you up on an offer for a new suit," said Julian. "I'm here to... ask you something."

"Ask away," said Garak, spreading his hands. For some odd reason, he felt a rush of nerves.

"I know we've been having lunches for a while," said Julian, "but I was wondering if you would like to have dinner together. And... I was wondering if you wanted to, you know... do it as a date."

Garak's stomach turned.  _ Why are you so nervous? _ he asked himself.  _ You've been waiting for him to ask this for years now. _ "I would be most pleased with that," he said.

"Great!" said Julian, looking very relieved. "Great! Er... so, when would you like to do it? The date?"

"How about tomorrow night?" Garak asked. "At... 2000 hours. Where would you like to go?"

"We eat in the replimat together so often, I'd like to eat somewhere else for a change," Julian said. "How about Quark's?"

"That's fine by me," Garak said. "So... tomorrow, 2000 hours, at Quark's. I'll be waiting there."

"Excellent," said Julian. "I'll see you there. Bye." And he hurried out of the shop. Was it Garak's imagination, or was there a bit of a skip in his step?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian go on their first date.

Garak found himself genuinely nervous for the date the next day. He got home from his shop and tried on outfit after outfit, trying to see which one his neck ridges looked the best in; should he choose one of his daring ones that was low enough to see his chula? And then he felt like an idiot for thinking that Julian would even appreciate his neck ridges or his chula.

He ended up going for one of his fancier outfits: dark trousers, dress shoes, and a deep blue and dark brown tunic with rectangular patterning and paneling on the chest. He didn't wear it often because he didn't like the conservative neckline, but he figured Julian wasn't going to be ogling his ridges like another Cardassian might.

The truth was, he didn't like it because it reminded him of his father.

But he tried not to think about that. It was time for another dosage of the painkiller. He had upped it by two cc's again. He administered the dose with practiced hands, relished the hiss of the hypospray against his skin. It was such a familiar feeling, but it brought him joy each time he experienced it. He could feel the medication working, running through his veins, making him feel good again. There was always that scared feeling he would get as the high faded, but now, it was perfect.

It was time to go to Quark's. Garak left his quarters, walking quickly to the turbolift to get to the promenade. _ I promised Julian I'd be waiting for him, after all, _ he told himself.

It appeared he had gotten there before Julian. He walked up the counter.

"What'll you have?" asked the waiter.

"I'm waiting for someone," Garak said, feeling awkward. "He should be here any minute. I-"

"Garak!" came a familiar voice. Garak turned. It was Julian. He was wearing civilian clothing, and looking lovely, as usual. Garak did his usual up-and-down look of Julian (he could swear it made Julian blush a little bit). "You look very nice," Julian told him. "I assume this is one of your works?" He gestured at Garak's outfit.

Garak couldn't help but feel pleased that Julian thought he looked nice.  _ You're getting so sentimental in your age, _ Elim, he told himself, but aloud, he said, "Thank you. And yes, it is."

"I thought so," said Julian, beaming. "We should order." He turned to the waiter. "I'll have steak with mushrooms, with a side of baked potato. And a glass of Tarkalean tea, extra sweet."

"I'll have an order of plomeek soup with bread, and a glass of rokassa juice," Garak said. "And for dessert, a cup of chocolate mousse."

"Oh, I forgot about dessert," Julian exclaimed. "I'll have a slice of apple pie."

"Find a table," said the waiter a bit boredly. "Your food will be here shortly."

Julian and Garak picked out a table on the first level and sat down. "How was your day?" Julian asked Garak.

"Oh, it was fine," Garak said. "Not much to speak of. I'm just beginning a commission for a rather rude Bajoran man."

"Rather rude?" Julian repeated.

"I realize this may seem rather unbelievable, considering Cardassian hearing isn't quite on level with the hearing of humans, but I could swear I heard him call me a spoonhead as he left the shop today," Garak said conversationally.

"How rude," said Julian. "But that's made me curious. Do Cardassians eat with spoons? Do you even realize that, you know, the thing on your forehead looks like one?"

"Actually, Cardassians do eat with spoons," said Garak, "along with four other different utensils, but I won't bore you with the details. Some like to think we invented the spoon before other species, since we had the natural advantage of having a few on our bodies."

"A few?" Julian said. "Do you have more than one? I only see the one on your forehead."

Garak could feel his face coloring. "Ah. Well, it would be considered very scandalous if you could see the other two. One is one my chest, and the other is... somewhere else."

Just then, their food arrived. "Already!" Julian exclaimed happily as the waiter set down the bowls and plates and cups in front of them. Garak was very glad he had distracted Julian from learning about the wonders of the Cardassian chu'en. He had a fleeting thought that maybe they could explore those areas later, then wrote it off as being wishful thinking.

They both tucked into their food. "I have to say, you've made me enjoy plomeek soup," Garak said. "I would have never thought of eating Vulcan food before you recommended it to me."

"I'm glad to have helped improve your life," Julian said with a smile.

"You've improved my life in many ways," Garak said.  _ Elim! Did you really just say that aloud? Why would you go and say a thing like that? _

"I hope so," said Julian. "But I would be lying if I said that you didn't improve my life here, too."

That intrigued Garak. "Really?" he said. "How so, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well," Julian said thoughtfully as he sawed away at his steak, which probably was a little too tough by the way he was making such an effort to cut it. "Well, you've been a good friend. You've made me feel less lonely here."

"Lonely?" Garak repeated. "Why would you feel lonely on Deep Space Nine?" The thought was almost laughable to him.

"It might seem difficult to imagine," Julian said, "but I have a difficult time making friends. I always have. People say that I'm annoying, or that I don't understand when to stop talking. It's really been a struggle for as long as I can remember. If you can imagine it, I was kind of lonely when I was in medical school for those reasons. I was afraid I'd feel lonely here on Deep Space Nine, too."

"Oh," said Garak. He felt bad for thinking that the idea of Julian being lonely was laughable.  _ You're not the only one who's allowed to feel lonely, Elim, _ he told himself. "Well, I don't think you're annoying."

"I'm glad," said Julian.

For a while they were mostly silent as they ate their dinners (Garak felt very self conscious about avoiding slurping his soup), but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Then, as they were beginning dessert, Julian said, "I did a bit of researching about Cardassians."

"Oh, really?" Garak said, interested. "Just my species in general, or a specific topic?"

Julian looked down at his plate. Was he blushing? "I sort of felt like it would be a good idea to look up things about what Cardassians might do on dates," he said. "Just to be prepared."

"And did you find anything interesting?" Garak asked. He wondered just how deep Julian had dived into Cardassian culture.

"I found the hands interesting," Julian said. "How you use your hands to kiss as well as your mouths. It reminded me of how Vulcans kiss with their fingers."

"I would have never thought to draw a comparison between my people and Vulcans, and we're no touch telepaths, but you're correct," Garak said.

"It sort of made me look at all the times I touched your hands a bit differently," said Julian.

It was Garak's turn to look away for a moment. "I hope I wasn't being too... forward," he said. "I knew that the gesture didn't have as much meaning for your species. I hope I didn't violate any boundaries."

"Not at all," said Julian. "I thought it was very interesting."

"I'd hate to think I was dull," Garak said.

"You're the last thing from dull," said Julian with a grin. He looked down at his plate of apple pie. "Have you ever had apple pie?" he asked.

"I can't say I have," Garak said.

"You should try this, then," Julian said, pushing his plate across the table. "You can have the last bite."

"Thank you, Julian, but I'm afraid the chocolate mousse will go to my waist as is," Garak said.

"Garak, it's just one bite," Julian said. "Please?"

So Garak ate the last piece of apple pie. It didn't taste like he thought it would. But it wasn't necessarily bad. "Very interesting," he said. "What is that spice?"

"Cinnamon," said Julian. "You like it?"

"It reminds me of a Cardassian herb," said Garak.

"I'm sure it's better the Cardassian way," Julian said with a touch of sarcasm.

"Actually," Garak said, "I was about to say I like this Earth spice, cinnamon, better."

Not long later, Garak finished his chocolate mousse. "Well," he said. "Would you... like to come to my quarters?"

"Sure!" Julian said. "That is, if you don't mind having me over."

"I don't mind at all," Garak said. He stood. So did Julian. They walked out of Quark's to the nearest turbolift, and took it to the part of the habitat ring where Garak lived, chatting idly about the latest incident on the station.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian comes back to Garak's quarters and things take a turn for the worse.

Garak waved Julian into his quarters. "Please, sit down," he said, gesturing to the couch. Julian sat down sideways on it so he was looking at Garak, who sat next to him. "We've ended up in my quarters yet again."

"This time, it's not for a bad reason," Julian said. "Unless this is actually some sort of Obsidian Order plot and you've just led me to my death."

"Not at all," Garak assured him. "I just... thought that this was what comes next after a dinner date. Inviting your date to your quarters, I mean." He sighed. "Can I tell you something, Julian?"

"Tell away," Julian said.

"I... I've never done this before," Garak admitted. "I've never... been on a date before. So I'm kind of making this up as I go."

"You've never been on a date before?" Julian said, looking astonished. "You?"

"I assure you, I'm not lying," Garak said.

"But you're so good-looking!" Julian said.

Garak's first reaction was to laugh. "Thank you, Julian, but flattery isn't necessary," he said. He tried to change the subject, not wanting to get into the topic of his issues with his body. "Is it really so hard to believe that I've never been on a date?"

"Well, yes," said Julian. "I mean, you seem so... I don't know, like you've done everything at least once. I never would have thought this was your first time on a date."

"I hope I'm not doing too bad of a job," Garak said.

"You're not," Julian said.

"So... what do we do next?" Garak asked. "This is all very new to me."

"Well," said Julian, "it depends on what you want to do. It's different for every person. Sometimes you just talk. Sometimes you... kiss. And sometimes you do more than that. If you know what I mean."

"I would..." Garak's voice trailed off. "Could I..." His voice trailed off again. "I'd like to hold your hand." It came out very quietly.

"What?" Julian said.

_ Damn.  _ Julian hadn't heard him. Garak averted his eyes. "I'd like to hold your hand," he said a bit louder.

"Oh!" said Julian. He looked a bit surprised. But he held out one of his hands to Garak. "Here," he said gently.

Garak hesitated, and then took Julian's hand gently in one of his, intertwining their fingers. Julian's hand was warm and soft in his. Garak felt at peace.

"You look happy," said Julian.

"I am," said Garak. "This is... sort of like our first kiss, by Cardassian standards."

"Want to make sure we're covered by human standards, too?" Julian asked.

Garak's heart raced. "We had better," he decided.

The next thing Garak knew, the two of them were kissing, not just with their hands but with their mouths. Julian tasted like apple pie, and his lips felt nice and soft. The entire galaxy filled itself with Julian and his lips and his hands and his warmth. Garak wasn't worrying that he wasn't a good kisser. It was just Julian and Julian and Julian. He felt so happy that for a split second, he thought,  _ I don't need painkillers or a pleasure implant when I have this feeling. _

They broke apart for a moment. Julian was smiling. His smile was the most beautiful thing Garak had ever seen. "That was... that was nice," Julian said.

"I think we had better do it again, just to make sure our first kiss is adequate enough by human standards," Garak said. Normally he would chide himself for being too forward, but he really couldn't care less.

So they began to kiss again. Julian was so tender in the way he kissed. Garak loved it. He loved this feeling, this natural high he got as Julian kissed him, as one of his hands squeezed Garak's and as the other gently teased Garak's hair. Garak had been thinking he should get it cut again, but it felt so nice for Julian to be playing with it that for a moment he considered letting it grow out more.

Garak was just thinking how he hadn't felt this good in forever when suddenly Julian pulled away and said, "Garak."

"What is it?" Garak asked, still riding the high of Julian's kisses.

"Garak... what- what is that?" Julian asked.

Garak turned away from Julian and saw that Julian was pointing at Garak's nightstand. On it rested Julian's paperback copy of Hamlet, which Garak was borrowing, and a single (empty) hypospray.

"You never told me you were taking medication," said Julian. "Did the counselor prescribe you something?"

"No," Garak said shortly.

"Garak," Julian said, his voice urgent and panicked, "please, please,  _ PLEASE _ tell me that's just for sleeping medication. Tell me the truth."

Garak looked Julian in the eyes. "I'm afraid I can't do both of those things at the same time," he said steadily.

Julian's eyes were wide. "Garak, oh my God," he said. "Garak... you're doing it again, aren't you. You've been using painkillers again." It wasn't a question.

"Do I need to say yes?" Garak asked quietly.

"That does it," Julian declared. "Garak, you're coming with me."

"Where are we going?" Garak asked, but he already knew.

"We're going to the infirmary," Julian said. "Right now. Get up, Garak."

Garak felt so horribly empty inside as Julian dragged him out of his quarters to the turbolift. Garak took one look in Julian's eyes as they traveled to the promenade and saw that there were tears there. After that, he found that he couldn't bear to look in Julian's eyes, so Garak kept his eyes on the floor of the turbolift until they reached the promenade.

There were a good deal of people out on the Promenade. Garak felt an old, familiar humiliation color his face as Julian marched him down the promenade, dragging him by one arm. People were staring. So many people. Garak felt as if the walls were closing in around him, and he struggled to breathe. In, out, in out. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

Finally, they made it to the infirmary. Garak could hear Julian talking with the nurses, probably checking Garak into the infirmary, but he couldn't make out the words. His head was spinning too badly. Garak felt as if he might be sick.

Julian took him to an empty private room and sat him down on the bed in the center of the room. "I'll be right back," he told Garak. He was back seconds later, brandishing a hospital gown at Garak. It was so ugly, purple and orange. Such discordant colors, and the hems were all wrong, too.

"Garak. Put it on. Take everything else off," Julian ordered. Garak could see he had gone into Doctor Mode. It reminded him of how he used to go into what he called "Obsidian Order Mode". When he was in that mode, he shut out all emotions and only focused on whatever task was ahead of him.

"Do you mind giving me a bit of privacy?" asked Garak.

"Just call out if you need anything," Julian said. He left the room, and the door shut behind him, leaving Garak alone. Garak took off all his clothes and folded them neatly on the bed in a well-ordered pile, everything from his tunic to his socks. For a moment, he stood there in the room, completely naked, freezing cold. Then he pulled on the familiar hospital gown. He wished he had a mirror. Although, on second thought, maybe it was a good thing he didn't know what he looked like.

Garak pressed the button to open the door. Julian was outside waiting. "Done?" Julian asked. Garak nodded. "Put your clothes and all of your other belongings in this bag." He held out a bag to Garak. "Everything." Garak neatly put his clothes into the bag. "All right," Julian said. "This is going to be your room for as long as you're here. Your nurse for now is a Bajoran woman named Alariya. You might remember her from your last stint in the infirmary."

"I do," Garak said. "She's visited my shop before."

"I've got you mostly checked in," said Julian. "We'll do your initial assessment in the morning when I'm on duty. Any questions?"

"I have one," Garak said. "Are... are you upset at me, Julian?"

Julian just sighed. "I don't know what to feel right now, Garak," he said, his voice tired. "I really don't know." He paused. "Would you like me to stay?"

Garak wanted to say "yes". He wanted Julian to stay more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. But aloud he said, "No. I'll manage on my own."

"Okay," said Julian. "Okay. I... I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well, Garak."

"Thank you," Garak said.

As soon as Julian left the room, Garak said, "Computer, lights." The lights turned off. That helped make things not so bad. Garak lay down on the bed and covered himself up with a thin blanket. Still not warm enough. "Computer, raise temperature by five degrees," Garak said.

"Temperature controls are restricted to medical personnel access only," said the computer's voice. "Enter your codes."

Garak had several of the codes from Deep Space Nine, back when it was Terok Nor, but not the proper codes for this.  _ Damn. I should have known I'd end up in the infirmary so often, _ Garak thought. For some reason, the thought made him laugh. He started laughing so loudly he was sure the nurses could hear, and he couldn't stop. He curled in on himself, guffawing, and then, as quickly as the laughter started, it was replaced by tears, and suddenly Garak was sobbing into his pillow, shoulders shaking, and wishing he didn't exist.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has some explaining to do.

When Garak woke up the next morning, he was provided with breakfast, which was bland but otherwise quite edible. He thought about asking for hot fish juice, but decided against it, not wanting to be a stereotype. Just as he had finished breakfast, someone opened the door. It was Julian, wearing his Starfleet uniform.

"How did you sleep?" Julian asked.

"Fine," Garak said. _Close off, don't let him know you cried yourself to sleep,_ he thought.

"I'm here to do your initial assessment," said Julian, holding up a data pad.

"Does the chief medical officer do the initial assessment for everyone admitted to the infirmary?" asked Garak.

Julian sat down at a chair beside Garak's bed. "No," he said. "I just wanted to see you again." He paused. "All right. It's time for the part you don't like."

"All of it is 'the part I don't like," Garak said.

"I mean, it's time to tell the truth," said Julian. "About why you're here."

"Surely you can fill in the pieces," said Garak. "You saw I had a hypospray. I did not lie to you about its contents. So you put me here." He realized this sounded very accusatory moments after he said it, and felt bad.

"What was in that hypospray?" asked Julian.

Garak hesitated, but ultimately decided to tell the truth. "The same painkiller I was using the last time," he said. "Thirty cc's, to be exact."

"How did you get your hands on it?" Julian asked.

"I replicated it," Garak said. "I'm very good at modifying replicators to create whatever I need."

"And how long has this been going on?"

"Do you remember when I came to you about the pain in my head?" Garak asked. Julian nodded. "Ever since that day."

"Garak, that was weeks ago," Julian exclaimed. "This whole time, you've been hypospraying yourself with thirty cc's of this painkiller every day?"

"I didn't start off with so high a dose," Garak said. "I upped the dosage gradually. But eventually, yes. Sometimes multiple times a day."

"God, Garak..." Julian said. His voice trailed off. "So... I guess we've come to the hard question. Why?"

"Ah," said Garak. "Why." He struggled to find words.

"Take your time," Julian said kindly, but Garak could feel the tension in his voice.

"I don't know if I can put it into words," said Garak, "but I'll try. Let's see. It comes back to my implant. I remember telling you the reason I began to turn it on continuously. You remember; the station is too cold, it's too bright, it's torture for me to be here instead of on Cardassia Prime."

"Yes, I remember," said Julian. "Go on."

"I don't think I ever properly told you how the implant makes you feel," Garak said. "It's unlike anything else. It's a feeling of such deep-rooted happiness, more potent than anything I'd ever experienced naturally in life, a horrible, enticing, insatiable hum that fills your blood and rattles your bones. I started using the implant because being exiled was torture, but I kept it on because... because..." Garak licked his lips. "Because when I turned on the implant, I realized that I'd never felt happy before. I'd never really been happy until I turned it on."

"That explains why you abused the implant," said Julian, "but not why you've been abusing painkillers."

"It's for some of the same reasons," Garak said. "At first it was because of those phantom pains I complained to you about; I took the painkillers to numb the headaches. Then I began using them just to feel good. When I stopped using my implant, even after I physically recovered, I wasn't happy anymore. I had lost that wonderful feeling. And so, naturally, I thought that if I used the painkillers, I might feel something like it again."

"I see," Julian said.

"And do you know the sad thing, Julian?" Garak said. "It didn't work. Not really. The painkillers helped, but they couldn't compete with the feeling I got when I was high on my implant. When you turned the implant off... that was the last time I was really happy."

"Garak, you should have told me," Julian said softly. "We have anti-depressants I could prescribe you, ones that work on Cardassians. I could have gotten you help."

"Well," said Garak, "that's not how things turned out. It's too late."

"It's not too late," said Julian. "I can still help you, Garak." He paused. "I still have one more question, though. Why?"

"I thought we just went through 'why'," Garak said.

"We did, but what I mean is... why did I figure out all of this about you?" Julian asked.

"Well, I did just tell you," Garak said, trying to bring some humor into the situation.

Julian ignored it. "No, what I mean is... how did I find out in the first place?"

"The hypospray on my nightstand," Garak said.

"Yes, but how did that hypospray get there?" Julian asked.

"Because I put it there," said Garak.

"But why did you put it there?" asked Julian. "I know you, Garak. You aren't a careless man. I know there was a reason that hypospray was sitting there while I happened to be visiting your quarters."

Garak hesitated. Then he said, "The reason it was there is because... because I wanted you to find it."

"I thought so," said Julian, sitting back. "But... why?"

"Because although the majority of me wants to keep going on like this, to keep taking painkillers, to keep upping the dosage and the frequency," said Garak, "another part of me knows I can't go on like this forever. That it's only a matter of a time before I end up overdosing. And because I... can't stand the thoughts of you being called to my quarters to examine my body, the thought of you going through the paperwork and death certificates. I didn't want to put you through that." Garak took a breath. "So I decided to reach out to you. First, through that novel, Glass Gateways. I thought that maybe you would read it and make the connection between the protagonist, who is an addict, and myself and my addiction, and maybe that you'd ask me if I was all right. When that didn't work, I thought that perhaps after our date, you'd want to come back to my quarters. So I set out the hypospray, knowing you would notice it. And then you'd ask me if there was something wrong."

Julian's eyes widened. "I'm such an idiot," he exclaimed. "I should have realized there was something wrong- I should have  _ ASKED _ you..."

"You're not an idiot, Julian," Garak said. "I'm just... not good at saying things."

"I'm so stupid," Julian said, rising to his feet. "I should have  _ REALIZED _ ... I should have known when you recommended me that book about the kanar addict... I should have realized back when you told me you were having headaches... no, I should have realized back when you were still in the infirmary last time. I should have realized that you weren't going to recover so easily, that we had fixed you physically but not mentally."

"There was no way you could have known," Garak said.

"Yes, there was," Julian said, his voice furious, furious at himself. "Not only have I been a bad friend to you, I've been a bad doctor. And I can't forgive myself for that."

"Julian-" Garak said helplessly.

"I'm going to go file your initial report," Julian said shortly. "Press the call light if you need anything."

"Julian-" Garak began, but Julian was already gone.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has a late-night discussion with Jadzia.

Julian couldn't sleep. He just couldn't turn off his thoughts. He couldn't stop thinking about Garak, the sad look in Garak's eyes, that stupid goddamned hypospray sitting on his nightstand. He couldn't stop seeing Garak huddled under the thin hospital blankets, looking so broken and vulnerable. He couldn't live with himself.

So he pressed a few buttons on his com panel. "Jadzia?" he asked. "Are you awake?"

"I am now," said a bleary voice on the other end of the communicator.

"Oh, sorry for waking you up," Julian said, not really feeling sorry. "I was wondering if I could come over and talk to you, if you don't mind."

"At this hour?" Jadzia asked.

"I can't sleep. I need to talk to someone," Julian said.

"Come on over. You know the way," Jadzia said.

Julian got dressed in casual clothing and a decent pair of shoes (although he wanted to wear slippers, he didn't think that would be very fashionable- maybe Garak was kind of rubbing off on him). He made his way through the habitat ring to Jadzia's quarters and rang the chime outside the door.

"Come in," Jadzia called, the door opening.

Julian made his way inside. Jadzia was dressed in comfortable pajamas, sitting on the end of her bed. "I'm sorry for waking you up," Julian said, "but I really need to get this off my chest."

"Well, I'm awake now, so I might as well listen," Jadzia said. "Make yourself comfortable."

Julian flopped down on her couch. "It's about the person I like," he said. "They're... not in a good situation right now. They're in the infirmary. And I got upset at them. Not really upset at them, I mean, it was more like that I was upset at me and it came off as me being upset at them and I kind of-"

"Julian, slow down," Jadzia said. "Take a breath. What happened?"

"This person has been having some... chronic health problems," Julian said. "Problems that they don't like talking about. I only realized the extent of them yesterday, and I had to put them in the infirmary for their own good."

"And you've got a crush on them?" Jadzia said. "That's got to be difficult."

"It's not even just a crush anymore," Julian said helplessly. "It's bigger than that now. I feel like I'm falling in love with them and I don't know what to do. Things seemed to be going so well... only they weren't actually going well, they just looked like they were. Everything's changed now, and I don't know what to do."

"That can't be easy for you, but remember, it's probably even harder for Garak," said Jadzia.

"Well, I guess s-" Julian began. "Wait! Wait a minute! When did I mention anything about Garak? How did you know he was the person that I like?"

"Julian, I'm over three hundred years old," said Jadzia. "I just had a feeling. So, I'm right? It's Garak."

"It's Garak," said Julian, his voice miserable. "I feel like I'm going insane. I- I really like him, Jadzia. It's so hard for me to see him in pain like this. I hate seeing him upset. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy with him. Together."

"Did you ever take my advice and ask him out?" Jadzia asked.

"Yes," Julian said. "Actually, we had just finished going out to Quark's for a date when... when his health problems became... evident. And I had to hospitalize him."

"Does he know about your feelings for him?" asked Jadzia.

"Maybe," said Julian. "He's very perceptive. But I haven't exactly told him I love him. I feel like I can't do that now."

"So, what are you going to do?"

Julian thought about it. "There's really only one thing for it," he said. "I'm going to wait to deal with my feelings for him until he gets proper care for his problems, and until he's actively recovering. That's what a good doctor would do, right?"

"I think that's a good idea," Jadzia said.

"Thank you for listening to me, Jadzia," said Julian. "Really. It means a lot. And sorry again for waking you up."

"It's all right," Jadzia assured him. "I was having problems sleeping, myself."

"Anything you want to talk to me about?" Julian asked.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Jadzia said.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian apologizes.

Garak woke up the next morning to someone opening the door of his private infirmary room. To his surprise, it was Julian.

"Hello," Garak said.

"Hello," Julian said. He held up a data pad. "I... I wanted to say that I'm sorry for storming out of your room yesterday. I feel really bad about it. I didn't mean to upset you or make you feel bad. I just...I was just upset at myself for not noticing you needed help."

"It's all right," Garak said. "Did you come here to say hello, or...?"

"I actually came here because I noticed that you had refused to speak to the counselor," said Julian.

"That's correct," said Garak.

"Why?" asked Julian. "Counselor Telnorri is a good man. I'm sure he'd be able to help you."

"But I don't want Counselor Telnorri," said Garak. "I want you. I want to talk to you."

"I can arrange it so I'll be there during your meetings with Counselor Telnorri," offered Julian.

"No," Garak insisted. "I want to meet with you. Just you."

"I'm not a psychologist," Julian said. "I'm afraid I won't be of much help."

"I think you'll do just fine," Garak said, folding his arms.

"Well, I suppose I can try," said Julian. "Want to start now?"

"Now?" Garak hadn't been expecting that.

"Yeah, now," said Julian. "I'm free for a while. Why not?"

"Indeed. Why not?" Garak said.

"I wanted to ask you about something you told me the other day," said Julian. "About how you said you had never felt truly happy before you turned on the pleasure implant. Did you mean that you hadn't experienced happiness on such a magnitude before, or that you'd never really been happy at all before then?"

"I meant that I'd never felt happy at all," Garak said.

"Garak, that's horrible," said Julian. "You mean you really have never felt happy?"

"Never," said Garak.

"Has anyone ever told you that you might have a depressive disorder?" asked Julian.

Garak bristled. He knew Julian couldn't possibly imagine what an insult that was to say that to a Cardassian, but he was still offended. "I should hope not," he said.

"Well, I would have to say you show some symptoms of having one," Julian said, apparently not realizing how sensitive a topic this was. "I can't make a diagnosis immediately, though. All right. I was also wondering about the way you're handling the withdrawal. How are you doing?"

"It's..." Garak paused. If he could only explain just how much his head hurt. "Very painful."

"And how do you think you're handling it emotionally?" asked Julian. "Do you feel like, if given the chance, you would hypo yourself with the painkiller?"

"Yes," said Garak immediately.

Julian sighed. "You didn't even think about it."

"That's because there was no need to think about it," Garak said. "Of course I would. Wouldn't you, if you were in position?"

"I'd like to think I would be a little more... resilient," Julian said.

"Ah, that's what you'd like to think," Garak said. "In reality, you would probably be just as helpless to the whims of addiction as I am."

"Maybe so," said Julian. "Maybe so."


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak escapes the infirmary.

After complaining enough, Garak was allowed to have a data pad in his infirmary room in order to send messages to his customers to tell them to come by at later times. He got everything in order quite quickly, but decided not to let the nurses know that. He had other plans for the data pad.

After five days in the infirmary, Garak couldn't take it any longer. The pain was one thing, but the desire to be back in his quarters, or rather, to have access to his replicator again... that was another.

Garak had always had a hobby for forgery. It was ridiculously easy -for him, at least- to learn to copy Julian's signature from seeing it a few times on various forms, and it was even easier for him to make up the documentation he needed.

Garak set the data pad on the chair in his infirmary room, and waited for the right time.

Eventually, a nurse came in to check on him. "Ah, I was hoping you would come by," Garak said. "Dr. Bashir left his data pad here by accident. He said there were new orders concerning my hospitalization."

The nurse ate his story right up. She picked up the data pad and opened it. Garak saw her eyes going back and forth, scanning it. "It appears you're free to go, Mr. Garak," she said.

"You sound a little skeptical," Garak said. "But my release seems like something that would need Dr. Bashir's signature in order for it to happen."

"It does have his signature," the nurse said. "It's just that it seems a bit premature to let you out."

"Perhaps he provides an explanation?" Garak said.

"He says you're a part of the partial hospitalization program from here on out," she said, reading the document. "You can have minimal hours in your quarters and your shop, but you'll be spending most of your time here in the infirmary. Dr. Bashir says your treatment is progressing well enough to allow that much." She looked up from the data pad. "Well, I suppose you're free to go for now. Come back here in two hours, or you will be forcibly returned here."

"You needn't worry about doing that," Garak said. "I'm sure I'll be back here in time." He got up out of bed. "Now, may I have my clothing?"

Garak had to hold back from laughing as he changed into his regular clothes. Goodbye, hospital gown! Goodbye, infirmary! He wished he would be able to forge a document saying that he was released permanently, but he thought a complete release from the infirmary in such a short time would be unrealistic.  _ Oh, well,  _ he thought.  _ Two hours a day gives me enough time to hypo myself. _

He walked right out of the infirmary with no one even questioning him. He walked quickly, in a quiet fear that someone would realize the document was a fake. Garak went right to the turbolift to the habitat ring. He went up to his quarters. He smiled to himself as he stepped through his doorway. It was very nice to be back in his quarters again, even though it would just be for a short time.

Garak immediately noticed that something was a bit off. He could place it immediately. Someone else had been there, had messed with his belongings- no, had gone through his belongings. Garak realized it must have been Julian, or at least, someone acting on his orders. Probably someone searching for his supply of painkillers.

Garak opened up his panel and was surprised to find that his stash of painkillers had been confiscated.  _ Oh, very good, Julian, _ Garak thought.  _ You did an admirable job searching my quarters. I'm impressed.  _ But it didn't matter. The real prize was the replicator. With Garak's skills, he could replicate anything from a banana to a phaser. A hypospray and some high-grade painkillers would be no trouble.

Garak put back the panel and situated himself in front of the replicator. "Computer," he said, "one hypospray."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian realizes Garak has escaped and hurries to his quarters.

Julian returned from the surgery room. "How'd it go?" asked one of the nurses.

"Oh, it went just fine," Julian said. "No trouble at all. One of my better surgeries. I'm going to go check on Garak."

Julian went into the bathroom and changed from his red surgeon's outfit to his Starfleet uniform. He washed his hands very thoroughly and hummed a bit as he dried them. A successful surgery was always a cause to celebrate.

He went back into the main part of the infirmary and went to Garak's room. He opened the door. The lights were off, which was normal for Garak, who didn't like the brightness. "Computer, lights," he said.

When the lights turned on, he was shocked to realize that the lump in the bed was not, in fact, one Elim Garak, but was instead just a mass of blankets with no person inside.

Julian exited the room and flagged down a nurse. "Where is Garak?" he asked.

"He was released into partial hospitalization not long ago," said the nurse. "On your orders."

"On my orders?" Julian repeated. He realized what Garak must have done. "Oh, for the love of... where did he go?"

"He seemed to be headed to his quarters," said the nurse. "Why, what's going on?"

"He forged the orders," Julian said. "He must have. Probably did a good job of it, too. I'll be back. I need to find him."

Julian hurried out of the infirmary and onto the crowded promenade. He pushed through people until he got to a turbolift, which was also crammed with people. But by the time the turbolift got to the part of the habitat ring where Garak lived, he was the only one left. He strode quickly out of the turbolift to Garak's quarters, knowing the way very well by now.

Julian slammed his hand onto the door chime. "Garak," he called. "Garak, I know you're in there. Please open the door."

But no reply came.

"Garak, I'm coming in here whether you like it or not," Julian warned him.

Again, there was no response.

"Fine," Julian said. "We'll do this the hard way. Computer, open the door to chamber nine oh one, habitat level H three. Emergency medical override Bashir one alpha."

The door slid open. Julian stepped inside. Immediately, he noticed that Garak was on the floor by the wall replicator, curled into a ball.

"Garak!" Julian exclaimed, his frustration replaced by concern. "Did you fall? What's wrong?"

"Julian." Garak's voice came out from under his fingers, which hid his face. As he spoke, his face peeked out from behind his hands. "Julian, it's over. It's over. There's no use. It's all over. There's no point in any of it. I can't... I can't..."

"Can't what?" Julian asked. "Garak, what are you talking about?"

"I... I can't..." Garak's voice broke off. He started making a strange sound. Julian realized almost immediately what it was. He had heard Garak do this before. Garak was starting to hyperventilate. A strangled hiss came from between his lips. "C...c...can't... can't breathe," Garak hissed. "H-help. Julian..."

Julian crouched down on the floor beside Garak and lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. "In and out," Julian said calmly. "In and out. No, slower. Inhale for four seconds... now exhale for four seconds. Now repeat that. Not so fast." Garak started to breathe normally. His face had come out completely from behind his hands now. "There you go, that's it. You're doing great. Just keep breathing for me, Garak. It's okay."

Eventually, Garak's breathing returned to normal. "Julian..." he whispered.

"What is it?" Julian asked. "What's wrong?"

Then Garak started crying. It wasn't like how Julian had seen him crying before. This time Garak was crying ugly, tears dripping down his face, shoulders heaving, a choked sobbing sound coming from his mouth. "I can't replicate the painkillers," he sobbed. "It won't even let me replicate a hypospray."

"I know," said Julian. "I put restrictions on your replicator."

"Why- why would you do that?" Garak cried. "I just want to feel good again. Is that so much to ask? I just want to feel good, and now I'm- I'm never going to feel good again. There's no point in anything anymore. I just want to feel happy again. I can't stand living like this. I can't do this anymore, Julian. I can't- I can't do this anymore."

Julian hugged him close. Garak cried into his shoulder. Julian ran his fingers through Garak's hair, hoping it would soothe him. "It's going to be okay, Garak," he said. "It's okay. You're going to be okay."

"It's not true," Garak said. "I'm never going to be 'okay' again."

"You're going to be fine, Garak," Julian said. "I'm here to help you. I'm here, and I'm going to make sure you'll be okay. I promise. All right?"

Garak laughed a watery laugh. "I know enough about this universe to know that promises mean nothing."

"I would never break a promise to you," Julian said. "I'm telling the truth. All right?"

"It doesn't matter," Garak said. He ran a hand over his face. "You must hate me. I broke out of the infirmary, forged a document with your signature, and tried to relapse. You must hate me. I would hate me if I were you. I  _ DO _ hate me."

"I don't hate you," Julian said honestly. "You're not a bad person, Garak. You just need a bit of help right now." Julian thought of something. "Remember... remember our date?"

"Yes," Garak said. "You must regret going on a date with me now."

"Maybe it didn't end so well," Julian said, "but before I saw the hypospray on your nightstand? I had a great time with you. Really. I don't regret anything. I don't regret going on a date with you. I don't regret... I don't regret kissing you. I had a good time with you, and maybe after all of this is over, I'd like to do it again."

"Really?" Garak said, his voice small.

Julian smiled and held Garak's hand. "Really," he said softly.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian make a compromise.

Garak made a deal with Julian. If he behaved himself, he would be allowed to stay in his quarters, with Julian there twenty-six hours a day to help him.

"You really don't need to spend so much time on me," Garak tried to say. "I know you have other patients..."

"If they need me badly, I'll duck out of here for a while," Julian said. "Don't worry. I'll be here."

So they set up Garak's room as a sort of mini-infirmary. Garak got out some old blankets and set up Julian a makeshift bed on the couch. When they needed food, they used Garak's replicator. Julian was always there for him with kind words and understanding eyes.

The truth was, it was difficult. Garak had been through withdrawal before, when his implant had been turned off, but if possible, this was even worse. Everything hurt. He felt sick all the time and barely ate, fearing he wouldn't be able to keep it down. His hands shook so badly that he couldn't hold a glass of water without spilling it, so Julian carefully poured water into his mouth. Garak felt like such a burden.

Julian was snoring on the couch one night as Garak tried his best to sleep. He felt so shaky, from his head to his toes. And his stomach. Especially his stomach. For some reason, he couldn't stop thinking about Klingon food. Heart of targ. Writhing gagh.  _ Stop thinking about that, _ he tried to tell himself.  _ You can hardly even keep down salted crackers right now.  _ He lay in bed with his mouth clamped shut for a while, trying not to think about food or his stomach or the feeling of-

"Garak?" he heard Julian say. Garak hadn't realized that Julian's snoring had stopped until now. "Still nauseous?"

"Yes," Garak said, then clamped his mouth shut again. He rummaged for the bin beside his bed. "I think I might... I think I might be sick." His stomach clenched. He choked for a second, then was sick in the bin. His mouth tasted disgusting, and his shoulders kept heaving uncontrollably. For some reason, tears sprang to his eyes, and he felt his vision get watery.  _ You're so pathetic, Elim, _ he told himself.  _ What would Father think of you now?  _ "Sorry," he choked out.

"It's okay," Julian said. "I'm a doctor, remember? I've seen worse than a little vomit."

"No, I mean... I'm sorry," Garak said. "For everything. For putting you through all this." He spat, and then rearranged himself back into his lying-down position on the bed. "I know it must not be easy to take care of me."

Julian sat up on the couch. "I have to admit, it's hard for me to see you like this," he said. "It's hard to see someone you care about in pain."

"You shouldn't care about me," Garak said. "I haven't done anything to earn that."

"Yes, you have," Julian said. "You've been a good friend to me, and like it or not, I care about you. Okay?"

"Okay." Garak shifted his position in bed. "Thank you. For taking care of me."

"It's my job," said Julian, "but to be honest, Garak? Even if it weren't my job, I would still want to be here for you."

Garak wanted to tell him how he would do the same if Julian were in this position, but all he could think about was how totally undeserving he was of Julian's care. So he rolled over and tried to fall asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak begins to heal.

The main thing occupying Garak's time as he recovered, the main thing that distracted him from the symptoms of his withdrawal, was the counseling sessions. Julian may not have been a psychologist, but Garak wouldn't dream of having anyone else conducting his counseling appointments.

"I don't know if you realize this, Garak," Julian said one day as they sat in Garak's quarters during a session, "but at the rate you were going, you would have died from the amount of painkillers you were putting in your system."

"No, I realized," Garak said slowly. "I suppose I just didn't care." He tapped his fingers together. "Just as long as I felt alright, things were fine."

"And it was taking higher and higher doses of painkillers to make you feel alright," said Julian.

"And eventually it would have killed me," Garak said. "I know."

"Are you disappointed?" Julian asked. "That you're alive right now, and not dosing yourself with painkillers?"

Garak considered it. "In some ways, yes," he said. "But... I don't think I really want to be dead. I just didn't want to be alive."

"Garak, that doesn't make sense," said Julian.

Garak thought it made perfect sense, but didn't press the issue, simply shrugging.

"Anyway," Julian said, "you've been on antidepressants for a week now. Are you noticing any changes?"

Garak was being prescribed a few different medications, all given to him in pill form. The medication was being administered directly by Julian, so as to prevent Garak from overdosing on it.

"I think so," Garak said. "I've never been on medication for 'mental health' before. It's all quite new to me. So I'm not very sure what effects I'm supposed to be experiencing."

"You should be feeling an improved mood," said Julian, "and in addition, you should be experiencing less cravings for the painkillers."

"It's rather fascinating how you Federation people have developed drugs that treat drug addiction," said Garak.

"Your mood, Garak?" Julian pressed.

"I suppose it's a bit better," Garak said. "I don't feel as horrible as I used to. But no miracles have occurred."

"That's all right," Julian said. "These things take time. I'm just glad you feel a bit better. That counts."

"Yes," Garak said. "And I do have to say, a large part of it is you."

"Me?" Julian said.

"Yes, you," said Garak. "You being here for me all this time has made me feel a lot better. I didn't realize how much I needed someone else to take care of me until now. And... how much I needed you."

Was it Garak's imagination, or was Julian blushing a bit? It has to be my imagination, Garak thought. "Thank you, Garak," said Julian. "That means a lot."

Garak made a split-second decision. "Elim," he said.

"Hm?"

"You can... call me 'Elim'," Garak said. "You know... my first name. I think you've earned being able to call me that."

Julian smiled. "Okay... Elim."

Garak didn't know if it was the anti-depressants or whatever else, but he felt especially good just then.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak sleeps.

"Elim," a familiar voice said. Enabran Tain. Garak knew that voice almost as well as he knew his own. "What happened?"

Garak couldn't meet his eyes. "The implant," he managed. "I turned it on and I couldn't stop using it. Then when it stopped, I started using painkillers to replicate the feeling, and I couldn't stop, again, and I just-"

"I know all that," Tain said. He crossed his arms. "I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about your involvement with Dr. Bashir."

Garak's throat was dry. "Father, I... I can explain," he said haltingly.

"Save your words, Elim," Tain said, his voice filled with judgment. "You know not to form relationships like this. Especially not to... other men."

"What's wrong with that?" Garak said. "I know you say not to be sentimental, but it's more than that, Father; it's about life, it's about love, it's about-"

"Do you know what would happen if you were back on Cardassia?" Tain shouted. "You would be cast out into the streets with nothing, and people would curse your name. I would have to publicly disown you for being a... a homosexual." He seemed to have difficulty even saying the word.

"But it doesn't have to be a bad thing, Father," Garak tried to explain. "You see, on Julian's world, people like me are seen as normal. We're tolerated, accepted, even respected. We-"

"Julian!" Tain interrupted him. "You're calling him by his first name! ...I bet you let him call you 'Elim', don't you?"

"And so what if I do?" Garak exclaimed. "Father, you don't understand. There's nothing sick or depraved or wrong about my feelings for Julian. He's helping me through all of this mess that I'm going through. He's so kind, and he means well and... I love him."

"I'm tired of hearing you try to defend yourself," Tain spat. "You make me sick, Elim. You aren't worthy of being my son. Look at you. You're pathetic. Worthless."

"Don't say that, Father," Garak said. "I can try to explain-"

"You are not my son," declared Tain. "You have never been my son."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, Garak.   
> The final seven chapters to this fic will be posted tomorrow! :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak wakes up. Julian is there.

Julian woke up to the sounds of someone softly crying. He sat up on the couch and saw that Garak was lying down in bed, curled into a ball, his face in his pillow.

"Elim?" Julian said. "What's wrong?"

"Leave me alone," Garak said, his voice teary.

"I've heard that one before," Julian said, getting off the couch. He walked tentatively over to Garak's bed. "You should know by now that I won't leave you alone. What is it? What's wrong? Are you feeling any pain?"

"My head hurts," Garak said after a moment. "But... that's not why I'm... upset." He wiped a hand over his face and sat up. There were tears in his eyes. "I keep having these nightmares."

"Nightmares?" Julian said. "What are they about?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Garak shortly.

"Come on, you can tell me," Julian said, sitting at the end of his bed. "At least tell me why you're so upset."

"There's this particular person who keeps appearing in my nightmares," Garak said. "And this person... says things to me that upset me."

"I've had that happen before," said Julian. He could name several times where he had pictured his father berating him in dreams. But Garak couldn't know about that particular subject. "I know it's difficult."

"Yes," Garak said. "Very much so."

"They make medication for nightmares," Julian told Garak. "I can see about getting you prescribed it."

"That's very kind of you, Julian, but don't you think I'm on enough medication?" Garak asked.

"As long as it's not fighting your recovery from your addiction, it should be fine," said Julian. "Why, are you worried about getting a dependence on your meds?"

Garak didn't answer for a moment. Then he said, "No. It's just that I feel like there are so many things wrong with me, and I'm reminded of them every time I take these damned pills."

"I can understand that," Julian said, crossing his legs. "But don't look at it like that. Think of your medication as a reminder of the things that you're fixing, not the reasons you're broken."

"That does help," said Garak, "but it's difficult to just start thinking differently."

"I know," Julian said gently. "I didn't say it was going to be easy. But I know you can do it. You're a strong person, Elim. If anyone can get through this, it's you."

Garak looked away. "Thank you, Julian," he said quietly.

Julian got up and was going to lie back down on the couch when he noticed that Garak was crying again. "Hey, it's okay," Julian said, brushing a tear off Garak's face. "You're going to get through this. And I'll be there for you the whole time."

"I know," said Garak. "I know."


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian thinks he has a solution. It won't solve everything, but it'll help.

Julian left Garak's quarters only after he was reasonably sure that Garak would be safe without him. Garak had made it through most of the symptoms of withdrawal now, and the next problem to tackle was his headaches that he had gotten ever since the implant was taken out. Julian had done so much research, trying to find a treatment that would be compatible with a Cardassian, a treatment that wouldn't trigger Garak's addiction. Finally, he had found something.

When he got to the cargo bay, Constable Odo was still there with his deputies, inspecting the new shipments. As Julian approached him, he could tell there was going to be a problem by the look in Odo's eyes.

"What is it, Odo?" Julian asked. "You're looking at me like I did something wrong."

"That's because I think you did," Odo said, blunt as ever. "I haven't heard of anyone purchasing kishana herbs since the occupation, and suddenly you buy an enormous shipment- and I heard the merchant saying that you had told him this would be a regular transaction if it worked well. Care to tell me what you're doing, doctor?"

"I don't understand," said Julian. "I have all the proper permits. I can show them to you right now."

"It's not an issue of the permits," said Odo. "It's just that I'm curious why you're stockpiling this herb."

"If you must know, it's for a patient," said Julian, clasping his hands behind his back. "A patient who's been in pain lately, who can't be helped by conventional medicines."

"Is it a Cardassian?" Odo asked.

"Well, yes," said Julian.

"Because I happen to know that this herb was a hot commodity from Bajor during the occupation. Cardassians over-farmed it to the point where it became scarce. They used it because it was especially effective to treat pain in Cardassians," said Odo.

"I'd heard that too," Julian said. "But I don't understand what the problem is."

"Bajorans are very hesitant about giving this herb to Cardassians, after they nearly caused its endangerment," Odo said. "You would think that if they knew you were using kishana to treat a Cardassian, they wouldn't allow you to purchase it. Unless, of course, you didn't inform them it was for a Cardassian."

"No, they're perfectly aware," Julian said. "It took me a long time to talk them into it, but they agreed. I have the permit from the Chamber of Ministers right here." He held it out to Odo.

Odo inspected it. "It seems you do," he said, handing it back. "Very well. I can't keep you from your shipment any longer." Julian turned to go pick up the box when Odo said, "Dr. Bashir?"

"Yes?" Julian said, turning back to face Odo.

"I wish you luck in treating Mr. Garak," said Odo, his voice tight.

Julian gave a short nod and picked up the box. It was relatively light, and not a pain to carry, so he didn't bother having it beamed. He carried it out of the cargo bay and to the habitat ring, feeling cheerful, and when he got there, he rang the bell outside of Garak's door.

"Come in," Garak's voice called.

Julian stepped inside, setting the box down on the ground. Garak was sitting at his table eating. It looked like the last bit of a piece of apple pie. "Garak, you've got to stop eating so much pie," Julian said, half-bemused. "It's not exactly the healthiest food."

"It distracts me from the cravings and the headaches," Garak said, but he set down his fork. "Besides, you're the one who introduced me to it, so this isn't really my fault."

Julian laughed. "I suppose so," he said. "Listen, Elim, my shipment came in."

"Oh?" Garak said, looking interested. Julian had never exactly told him what was in the shipment, so it was natural that he was so interested. Julian hoped that Garak would be that interested once he knew what it was.

"I've been trying to find a treatment for your headaches," Julian explained, picking up the box. "And I think I've found something. It's an herb that you can drink in tea."

"What is it called?" Garak asked.

"Kishana," said Julian.

Garak's forehead wrinkled. "It's a Bajoran herb," he stated.

"Yes," said Julian. "But it's very effective for Cardassians." He paused. "Does that bother you- that it's a Bajoran herb?"

"Not necessarily," Garak said. "But it does seem a bit funny that a Cardassian's pain would be eased by a Bajoran herb."

"If you want, I can make you some tea with it right now," Julian offered. "We can start your treatment right away."

"I'm fine with that," Garak said. "If you must know, I have a terrible headache right now."

"Well, let's hope this fixes it," Julian said. "You should start feeling the effects about half an hour after you drink the tea." He went to the replicator. "One mug of water, eighty-two degrees Celcius," he ordered. When the replicator had materialized that, he moved it out of the way and said, "One medium-sized teabag, empty." That appeared too. Julian took the mug and the tea bag over to the table where Garak was sitting.

"Have you ever used this herb before for a patient?" Garak asked as Julian put the dried kishana herbs in the teabag.

"No," said Julian, "but I've researched it very well, and I'm quite confident it'll help you. I promise. If I'm wrong, I'll... I'll let you eat your apple pie without one ounce of judgment."

"Oh, is that a promise?" Garak said with a smile.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," said Julian.

"What an odd way to make a promise," Garak remarked.

"Just drink the tea, Elim," Julian said, setting the mug in front of Garak.

Garak hesitantly took a sip. "Ahh, nice and warm," he said, satisfied. "And it doesn't taste that bad, either. It's a little too medicinal for my taste, but I suppose that's because it IS medicine." He took a gulp. "How long did you say? Half an hour?"

"Half an hour," Julian confirmed. "If it isn't working by then, I don't know what I'll do."

"I have complete faith in your abilities as a doctor, Julian," said Garak earnestly, taking another sip.

"I'm glad," said Julian. "Let me know if your headache starts to improve. I'm going to catch up on the latest reports." He flopped down on the couch and got out his data pad.

The next thing he knew, Garak was shaking him awake. "What? What happened?" Julian said groggily, sitting up.

"You fell asleep while you were reading those reports," said Garak, standing over him. "But I thought I'd let you know that... the herb is working. I don't feel any pain anymore."

"Elim, that's great!" Julian exclaimed.

"I'm not saying I'll never feel pain again, but for the moment, it seems to be doing the job," Garak said, but he was smiling in a small sort of way.

"You'll have to keep drinking it once a day," said Julian, "but that won't be too difficult; I've seen how much you drink tea. I'm just so happy for you." He got up, and, on an impulse, wrapped his arms around Garak. Garak was stiff for a moment in Julian's arms, but then he relaxed and tentatively encircled Julian in his arms.

"I suppose this is the beginning of things getting better," Garak said, his voice muffled.

"Yes," said Julian, still hugging him. "And it's going to be beautiful. Just you wait and see."


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian moves out.

The time eventually came. Garak was completely free of withdrawal symptoms and nearly completely free of headaches, thanks to the kishana herbs. Garak realized one day that he no longer needed Julian to live in his quarters with him for the sake of his health.

Julian must have realized it at the same time, because on that same day, he sat down with Garak and said, "I think it's time I packed my things and moved out. I don't think you need me here anymore."

Garak wanted to say, I always need you. But he thought that maybe that was too inappropriate. Instead, he said, "I'm sure you miss your quarters. Go on. I'll help you pack."

So the two of them packed up Julian's things. It seemed that Julian had completely integrated himself into Garak's quarters. His things were everywhere.

As they were packing, Julian said, "You know, it's been kind of nice living with you. I didn't realize how much I missed living with someone."

Perhaps we'll live together again someday, Garak wanted to say. But aloud, he said, "Perhaps one day you'll find someone to live with again." And perhaps that person will be me, he thought. No, stop it, Elim. You're just getting your hopes up.

Eventually, they had all of Julian's things piled together to be beamed back to his own quarters.

"I guess this is it," Julian said, looking down at the pile.

"I suppose so," said Garak.

"Computer, beam items to chamber one eleven, habitat level three H," Julian ordered. The pile vanished before their eyes.

"Promise you'll take care of yourself without me," Julian said.

"It's not like I'll never see you again just because you're not living in my quarters," Garak said.

"Yes, but I would feel better if you promised," said Julian.

Garak smiled. "I promise, Julian," he said. "Are you happy?"

"Very," said Julian.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has a question, one he's asked before.

"It's been two months now," Julian said as Garak sat down at their usual table in the replimat.

"Two months since what?" Garak asked, setting down his tray of food.

"You know!" said Julian, waving his fork around. It was clear he was excited.

Garak sipped his tea. "I'm afraid I don't," he said.

"It's been two months to the day since you took any painkillers!" Julian said.

"Julian, keep your voice down!" Garak chided him. "I don't need the whole replimat knowing my medical history."

Julian looked stricken. "Oh no," he said. "Oh no, Elim, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout. I'm just really happy for you."

Garak couldn't help but smile. He loved it when Julian got excited about things. He was very endearing when he got like that. "Thank you," he said. "How did the surgery go?"

As they talked about Julian's day in the infirmary, Garak found himself spacing out a bit, just watching Julian's excited face, the way he would talk with his hands when he got enthusiastic about things. It was really very sweet.

"And I don't have any surgeries scheduled until next week," Julian finished. By the time he was done with his story, they had both almost finished their meals. "So, how is your day going?"

"It's going quite well," said Garak. "I've sold two dresses this morning to a visiting ambassador, and I've got orders coming in left and right. It'll be a wonder if I have any spare room in my shop or in my quarters for the next few months."

Julian smiled. "Well, that's good," he said. "I knew you thought you were going to lose customers since you'd been out of business so long. But it looks like people missed you."

"I suppose they have," Garak said. He noticed Julian had finished eating. "It appears we've finished our meals quickly. If you want to go back to the infirmary, I won't stop you."

"Actually," said Julian, "I was wondering if we could go somewhere more private for a few minutes. I have something I'd like to talk to you about, and I know how you value your privacy."

Garak's heart started racing, but he tried to look calm. "Certainly," he said. "We'll go to my quarters."

The two of them got in a turbolift and went to the habitat ring, talking about the latest fiasco that had taken place on the station. They got to Garak's quarters and Garak followed Julian inside. It really was a bit of a mess in there, with all his sewing projects laid out on the furniture.

"I'd ask you to sit down, but I'm afraid the furniture is a bit occupied," said Garak, gesturing at the bundles of fabric.

"Oh, that's okay," said Julian. "I'm just stopping by for a moment. I wanted to talk to you about something." He paused. "I've... been waiting to talk to you about this for a while now. I wanted to make sure that everything was working out, and that you were feeling alright, and that you were recovering before I told you that-"

"Slow down," Garak said, sensing that Julian was getting overwhelmed. "What is it, Julian?"

Julian took in a deep breath. "I just..." He took in another breath. "You're doing so much better than you used to be."

"With your help," Garak was quick to say.

"Maybe so," Julian said. "But a lot of it was your work, too. You've done a good job keeping up with your treatments, your medications, and the counseling appointments. You've kept clean for two months now. It might not seem like a lot, and in the grand scheme of things, maybe it isn't. But it's still a big achievement."

"While this is all very touching, this isn't anything I haven't heard from you before," Garak told Julian.

"I'm getting to the point," said Julian. "Bear with me." He smiled. "This anniversary... it makes me remember the night when I realized how far you'd gone. The night of our first date. When I saw that hypospray on your nightstand."

"When everything fell apart once again," Garak said softly.

"Yes," said Julian. "But before that happened, I remember thinking to myself how much I'd like to do it again. How much I'd like to go on another date with you. And then... then it happened, and your health took priority. But as you've been getting better, bit by bit, I've been telling myself how much I would like to go on another date with you. I told myself to wait to ask you until you'd been clean for two months." His gaze went down to his shoes for a moment, and then flitted back up to Garak's face. "So, I suppose what I'm asking is... do you want to go on another date with me?"

Garak didn't even hesitate. "I would enjoy that very much," he said.

Julian was grinning, in that special smile he couldn't stop from showing when he got excited. "Good," he said. "How about... tomorrow?"

"Perhaps tomorrow, at 2000 hours," Garak suggested. "And let's not do it at Quark's again. How about the Andorian fast food place? I've been meaning to go there, but I hadn't felt brave enough to go on my own."

"That sounds great to me," said Julian. "So... it's a date?"

"It appears so," Garak said with a smile.

"I'll see you there!" Julian said, and then he was gone, leaving Garak buzzing.

This feeling wasn't anything like the high the painkillers used to give him. And he was coming to realize that maybe... maybe, it was better.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian finally get their second date.

This time, Garak decided to wear something different than what he had worn to their first date. It was another one of his creations. It was a deep blue and a pleasant silver, with accents of deep green. The neckline did a dip that showed his chula, the spoon-shaped scale at the center of his chest. He hadn't worn anything this showy in front of Julian before. In fact, the last time he wore this tunic was before he was exiled. He thought that after everything that had happened, he deserved to wear it now. Even if he was going to be showing skin in front of a lot of people.  _ I don't care, _ he told himself.  _ It's for Julian. _

As he got ready for their date, he remembered that last time, to get ready for the date, he had dosed himself with painkillers. It was a sad memory that tugged at his head and tried to take precedence over the happy feeling of getting to go on a date with Julian again. He remembered how he'd felt so lost that he purposefully set out the hypospray on his nightstand for Julian to see, knowing it would ruin his date, but knowing it might save him. He remembered the disappointment in Julian's eyes...

_ Forget about that, Elim, _ Garak told himself as he prepared to leave his quarters to head to the promenade.  _ You're going to do better this time. _

Garak set off for the Andorian fast food restaurant on the promenade. He usually kept to Quark's or the replimat, but he had decided he might as well branch out, and who better to do it with than Julian?

He got there a few minutes early, and waited at the door, a little hesitant to go in. Two Andorians wearing fast-food hairnets and aprons were behind the counter, handing trays of fried food to happy customers. Garak remembered an intelligence operation he had been in with an Andorian. It had gone very poorly.

"Garak!" came a voice behind him. He turned around to see Julian, looking smart in a nice outfit, a smile on his face. The smile dropped from his face when Garak turned around.

Garak didn't know why at first. "Is there something on my face?" he asked, fishing for a handkerchief.

"No, no, it's not that," Julian said, stammering a bit. "It's just... I've never seen you show so much skin."

Garak felt his face get hot. "I thought I needed a change in wardrobe," he said. "I hope it's not too inappropriate."

"Not at all," said Julian. "You look... very nice." He was blushing. Garak could see it. Garak felt oddly satisfied. "So... want to do it?" Garak opened his mouth to say something. "I mean, you know... go into the restaurant," Julian said very hastily.

"Yes, let's," Garak said.

They walked into the Andorian fast food restaurant. It smelled amazing, Garak had to admit. Not like Cardassian food, but not bad.

"Welcome to our restaurant," said one of the Andorians with a small smile. "Take some time to go over the menu. If you have any questions, feel free to let us know."

Garak ended up ordering Andorian fried noodles. Julian ordered some kind of thing he called a "burger". The Andorians told them to find a table and they would bring them their food in a few minutes.

Julian picked out a table by the door. "So you can run away if things get bad?" Garak said teasingly.

"No!" said Julian. "I just know you like to watch people, so I thought we'd be able to do that best from the window."

"Oh," said Garak, feeling bad for joking in the first place. "Thank you."

They pulled up chairs and sat down. For a moment, they were quiet. Julian kept staring at Garak, then looking away, then staring again, then repeating the whole thing again.

"Something wrong, Julian?" Garak asked.

"No," Julian said. "It's just that... well, your shirt is kind of distracting. I've only ever seen Cardassians show their neck ridges, not their, you know... spoons."

"Chula," Garak said.

"What?" Julian said.

Garak touched his chula on his chest. "It's called a chula," he explained. "We usually keep them covered up."

"So that's two of the spoons," said Julian. Normally, someone calling his chu’en "spoons" would be sort of insulting, but it was a bit endearing when it came from Julian. "You said there were three."

"That there are," said Garak, hoping that Julian wouldn't ask him where the third one was in front of all these people.

Fortunately, Julian didn't. He shrugged. "Well, it's better than the turtleneck you were wearing last time," he said.

"Turtleneck?" Garak repeated. "I fail to see how turtles of any kind are relevant to my garments of clothing."

Just then, the waiters brought their food. They brought Garak's fried noodles in the most enormous bowl he had ever seen. Julian's plate was equally large. The burger on it was huge. It looked like there were at least three different sauces on it. They had also each ordered Andorian ale, which neither of them had tried before.

Garak sipped the ale. It was quite good. It wasn't anything like kanar, but it was still nice. "So, turtles?" Garak pressed.

Julian laughed. "You sound offended that I compared you to a turtle," he said.

"Usually people compare Cardassians to more... ferocious animals," Garak said. "Like those alligators or crocodiles you told me about."

"You know how turtles stick their necks inside their shells?" Julian said. Garak nodded. "That's why it's called a turtleneck. Because it looks like your neck is in the shell of your shirt, so to speak."

"Ah," said Garak. "That makes sense." He still didn't like being compared to a turtle, but he wasn't going to go to war over it or anything.

As they ate, they talked about the latest incident on Deep Space Nine. This one had been particularly weird. Garak was just thankful he wasn't involved in it this time.

The food was actually quite nice, in Garak's opinion. Julian looked like he was enjoying it too.

"I'm glad we decided to come here," said Julian as he finished his burger. "We'll have to come here again and try the other food." Garak noticed how he said "we" and not "I".

"The Andorian ale is quite nice, too," Garak said. "I'm very glad that medicine has evolved to the point where I can drink while still taking my medication. I haven't had alcohol in a while, though. I confess to being a little tipsy... especially after the refills."

"Oh, I am, too," Julian said with a wave of his hand. He drank the rest of his beverage. "I'll go pay," he said.

"You don't have to do that," Garak said.

"I'm the one who suggested we go on a date in the first place," said Julian. "It feels like I should pay. Don't argue with me on that."

"You'll have no argument from me," said Garak, smoothing his tunic over his waist. He could swear it was getting too tight on him.  _ Damn noodles, _ he thought.

Julian came back to their table after paying and put their dishes in a neat pile. "So, what now?" he asked.

"You could come back to my quarters," Garak offered. "I promise there are no stray hyposprays."

"Sounds good to me," Julian said.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has something he's wanted to say for a while now.

So the two of them walked down the promenade together and got into a turbolift. As they went to the habitat ring, they talked about Garak's latest commissions. He had just made a horrible mistake on one of his sewing projects and was just telling Julian about the pains of ordering superfluous fabric when they got to his quarters.

They paused for a moment as Garak punched in his personal code. He didn't bother hiding it from Julian; it was the same code he had used back when Julian was living with him, which was a shocking breach of security on his part.

Garak led Julian inside his quarters. The door hissed shut behind them.

"Wow, this is a lot cleaner than it was yesterday," said Julian.

"I did some cleaning," Garak said, hoping he didn't sound as proud of his efforts as he felt.

"Well, it looks great," said Julian, sitting down on Garak's couch. "You know, Elim, I had a really good time tonight. I'm glad we're doing this."

"So am I," Garak said, sitting beside him. "I... enjoy spending time with you... a lot."

Julian reached out a hand. "Something on your mind?" he said softly.

Garak took his hand. It was so warm and soft and good. He Cardassian-kissed Julian. "I suppose there is," he said. "But it's... difficult to talk about."

"That's okay," Julian said. "I'm a good listener."

Garak held Julian's hand tightly. "I want to tell you that I... always enjoy your company," he said. His words weren't coming out in the way he wanted them to. "I had a very nice time with you tonight. And... I want there to be more nights like this. I want to do this again. I don't want it to be a 'just a couple of dates' type of affair. I want to make this more like... a relationship." Julian didn't say anything. Garak said hurriedly, "I understand if you don't want to. I understand if I'm presuming too much of you, if I've been overstepping my boundaries ever since I told you I liked men. It's just that I feel this certain way about you and... I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I love you, and that I've loved you for a while now... but I've been too afraid to say so."

Julian grabbed Garak's hand, which Garak only now realized he had tugged away in a fit of anxiety. "Elim," he said, and the sound of his voice was like music to Garak's ears, "it's okay. I love you, too."

"Really?" Garak said. He hated how desperate his voice sounded. "Because you don't have to just say so for my benefit. I can take you telling me the truth."

"This _ IS _ the truth," Julian said. "I've felt this way for you for a long time. I guess you could say I started feeling this way when I first met you. You know, in the replimat, when you-"

"When I touched your shoulders," Garak said, feeling a smile come over his face. "Julian... you're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," Julian said.

"Because loving me isn't easy," said Garak. "I come with a lot of baggage."

"I know that, Elim, and I don't care," said Julian. "You're worth the darkest secret I could dream of."

"You've done so much for me," Garak said. "You've helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. And now that you've helped me on the way to recovery, to heal everything that I had taken so long to break... I can see clearly for the first time in years. You didn't have to be there for me in the way you have been. But you did anyway."

"I would do it again any day," said Julian, his voice earnest.

"I want to make sure you know what you're getting into," Garak said. "I've done things you can't possibly imagine doing in your worst nightmares. I've... hurt people. I've done things I'm not proud of."

"But I've forgiven you for all of that," Julian reminded him. "Remember?" He squeezed Garak's hand, as if to remind him of that difficult day.

"I remember," said Garak quietly. "I remember." He bit his lip.

"Are you upset?" Julian asked, concerned.

"No," said Garak. "I just... haven't felt this feeling in a while. It's... it's better than I had ever hoped for. For once, I think I actually feel... happy."

Julian leaned in and enveloped him in his arms. Garak hesitated for a second. "It's okay, Elim," Julian said softly. "You can trust me." After a second, Garak leaned into the embrace, and buried his face in Julian's shoulder. They held each other for what could have been hours, and what could have been minutes.

Then Garak said, "Julian?"

"Yeah?" Julian said. Garak could feel the movement in his chest as he spoke.

"Could I... could I kiss you?" Garak asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: if you want to stop reading here and not read the sex scene, feel free to stop here. If you want to keep on going, I'll see you in the last chapter! :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian do something they wanted to do for a while now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: lizard sex ahead. But also... feelings!

Julian's answer was to untangle himself from their embrace and kiss Garak on the mouth. Garak returned the kiss. At first, he kept his lips gentle, barely there on Julian's. He found that his hands were drawn to the ridgeless area of Julian's neck, running his fingers along the curves of bone and flesh there as he kissed. Julian tasted like Andorian ale. Garak deepened the kiss, searching with his lips and tongue into Julian's mouth. Julian welcomed his advances.

Somehow they ended up with Garak lying down and Julian on top of him, straddling him as he kissed him. It was embarrassing to admit, but after a time, Julian's kissing was definitely arousing him. He could feel himself beginning to evert as Julian's body rubbed up against his ajan. He didn't know if he should say something or not. Maybe Julian didn't want to have sex with him. Maybe he was just presuming too much. Maybe-

"What's this?" Julian said, pulling away from their kiss. He leaned back, and with a gentle hand, touched the front of Garak's pants.

Oh no. He could feel it. Garak was mortified. He could feel his face get hot. "I'm sorry," he blurted out. "It's just that it's been a while since I -well- and I suppose you could say I'm a bit desperate, and you were kissing me so well, and-"

"Hey, it's okay," Julian said. "Just lay back and let me take care of you."

That was all Garak had ever wanted to hear.

Julian undid the front of Garak's pants and pulled them down almost to his knees. Garak was almost fully everted, his prUt having slid out of his ajan, his chuva visible and turned bluish.

Garak realized Julian had probably never seen a naked Cardassian before. "I know I look a bit... different from a human," he said, feeling embarrassed.

"That's okay," Julian said. "You're not the first alien I've been with. I think I can figure out what makes you feel good." As he said that, he gently took told of Garak's prUt and experimentally stroked it. Garak tensed up, and let out an involuntary groan. "Do you like that?" Julian asked. Garak couldn't talk, so he just nodded wordlessly. "I bet you'd like it even more if I put it in my mouth."

"Yes, pleassse," Garak managed, his words hissing.

Julian leaned in and took Garak's prUt in his mouth. Garak had to bite his lip to keep from making another undignified sound. It felt so, so good. Julian's lips moved back and forth, stimulating his irllun at the base. How did he know to do that? Garak wondered. He didn't care. It felt amazing.

Julian hadn't been at it for too long when Garak gasped, "Stop, stop."

"Everything all right?" Julian said.

"Everything- everything's fine," Garak said. "I just thought that perhaps I could make you feel good too."

"I can think of a few ways you could do that," Julian said.

"Undress for me," said Garak. "Please," he added quickly.

Julian began to pull off his clothing. First came his shirt, the absence of which revealed his naked torso, which looked extremely enticing. Then he took off his pants, leaving him in underwear. Garak could see through the fabric of his underwear that he was already aroused. Julian took off his underwear. Garak had never seen a human naked in person, only holo-images. He had to say that Julian looked better than any picture he had ever seen.

"What do you think?" Julian said playfully.

"I think I want to..." Garak tried to think of a good word for what he wanted to do to Julian.

"Fuck me?" Julian offered.

"Yes," Garak said. "I want... to fuck you."

"Well... there's nothing stopping you," Julian said.

Garak licked his lips. "Bend over," he said. He couldn't believe that this was happening, that Dr. Julian Bashir was actually bending over for him, in his quarters, on his couch, in his life, not just in dreams. Julian looked so beautiful, so vulnerable in front of him, just waiting for Garak to slide his prUt inside him.

That was exactly what Garak did. He did so slowly, so as not to hurt Julian. He heard Julian let out a long moan as Garak's prUt was enveloped up to its base inside Julian. Garak began to thrust inside Julian, at first slowly, then picking up the pace, hard but not hard enough to hurt.

"Yes, just like that," Julian groaned. "Keep going, Elim. Yes..."

So Garak kept going. His claws dug into Julian's bare shoulders as he fucked him. He loved the feeling of his prUt inside Julian, the hot arousal in the pit of his stomach. He kept going until he felt the familiar pressure of climax build up.

"I think I'm going to finish," he gasped out. "Is it alright if I... if I come inside you?"

"Yes," Julian said, a bit out-of-breath. "Please... I want to feel you... ohhh..."

So Garak came inside Julian with a loud groan. "Oh my... oh." Garak couldn't breathe properly. He pulled out of Julian and collapsed onto the couch, not caring if he got the fabric messy.

Julian rolled over. "So?" he said. "Was it worth it?"

"Worth it?" Garak repeated.

"You've wanted to do this ever since you saw me in the replimat that day," Julian said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Was it worth all that waiting?"

"It was worth it," Garak said. "It was definitely worth it."

After a few minutes of kissing on the couch, hands intertwined, Julian said, "Think we can both fit on your bed?"

"If we try," Garak said.

The two of them got up off the couch and climbed into Garak's bed. It was a bit of a tight fit, but if Julian lay curled almost on top of Garak, they fit all right. Julian's naked body was warm against him. Garak had ripped off his remaining clothes. They pressed themselves together, becoming one.

Julian was running his fingers through Garak's hair. How did he know I like when people do that? Garak wondered. "You look so sleepy," he said with a smile. "Are you always so tired after sex?"

"If it feels this good, yes," Garak said, half-smiling.

Apparently that was the right answer. Julian kissed him on the forehead, in the middle of the chufa. "I'll be here when you wake up," he said.

But Garak found himself unable to sleep. All he could do was to think of everything that happened since he met Julian. It hurt to know that when he first met Julian, he was under the influence of his implant. Garak felt as if he had presented an inauthentic version of himself to Julian. Even though presenting inauthenticity practically used to be his career, he felt a bit of guilt when it concerned Julian. There were so many things he had to tell Julian. Maybe some things he could never really tell. Other things that might come with time.

He remembered hearing about the new station chief medical officer. He did some careful digging into Dr. Bashir's files when he arrived at the station, so that he would be ready to meet him. And it was really just chance that he stumbled by him in the replimat, and how Julian looked like exactly the kind of man who could use a good suit. Garak remembered feeling a little embarrassed of how shamelessly he had flirted with Julian when he first met him that day... and how hurt he had felt when Julian seemingly didn't return his advances.

But he had gotten to know Julian nonetheless. Julian had quickly become the reason for everything he did. He knew it wasn't healthy, but he needed something to cling onto, needed someone to cling onto. He needed someone like Julian in his life. Someone who found him intriguing, someone who wanted him in his life. Someone who wanted to have lunch with him. Garak hated to admit it, but sometimes the only reason he dragged himself out of bed in the morning was because he knew he was going to have lunch with Julian that day.

They had had good times together. But then his implant started to malfunction, and everything had gone right down the metaphorical drain. Garak wished he could just forget about that whole time. He didn't care about it at the time, but when he looked back, he realized he had said things to Julian that he regretted. He didn't regret lying to him about his past. But he regretted snapping at Julian, regretted attacking him.

And then there came the period of time after he stopped using his implant, when he used the painkillers. That was another lie he regretted. Telling Julian he was fine.  _ Sometimes "I'm fine" is the hardest lie to tell,  _ he thought.

But things had changed. Things had started changing ever since Julian asked him out on a date for the first time, even though it had ended so disastrously. Once he knew Julian liked him back, in the way Garak liked him... there was more hope in his life. And that hope had carried him through his time in the infirmary, and through his time going through withdrawal.

It hadn't been easy. None of it had been. His life wasn't easy. It never had been. But he couldn't help but think, maybe all this hurt was worth it if it meant he had finally ended up with Julian. Maybe after everything he'd been through, all the pain he'd felt, maybe he'd come out a better person, one who was willing to open up and let himself be loved.

Beside him, Julian stirred. "What are you thinking about?" he asked.

Garak smiled. "Nothing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's over! Wow.  
>  I don't want to get sappy, but I've been working on this fic for a long time now, and I've had such a great time writing it!  
> If you've made it this far, I would love if you commented.  
> And if you haven't looked at the first chapter since I updated it, I'd recommend looking at it again, because the art by GalacticTurnip is embedded now!  
> Thank you to my beta, spocksgotemotions; and artist, GalacticTurnip; and thank you to YOU for reading this!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far! I would love if you commented to let me know what you think of this. :)


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